Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I know the feeling that many wives have when their husband is about to walk out the door to pursue a break or separation. There can be a sense of panic. You can feel desperate. And you are more likely to say or do something that you might regret.

This article will outline the things that I wish I had said. Now that my separation has long been over, I have some insights that I could not have possibly had then. If you suspect that your husband is going to leave you, it may be prudent to think about what you will say BEFORE you are actually in that situation. What you say at the very beginning of your separation (or even when your husband may be still thinking about one) can set the tone for the entire time you spend apart. So here are some suggestions.

“Why Don’t We Take Some Space At Home?”: I always feel it is worth a try to attempt to get your husband to take some space or seek a pause at home.  It is easier to save your marriage if you have access to your husband. I know it’s a bummer to go to a spare bedroom, but this is better than him living somewhere else. Consider this a preventative or pre-emptive measure. Offer to give him the time and space he needs so that things can cool down. The next words and phrases assume that your husband rejected the space at home and actually wants to leave or move out for a while.

“Please Let Me Know When You Get There.” It is no fun sitting all alone and wondering what happens next. However, what is worse is feeling this way but not knowing where your husband is or whether he has arrived safely. Try to establish that he will contact you when he has arrived at wherever he is staying. This sets a precedent for open communication and means that you don’t have one more thing to worry about.

“May I Check-In With You Every Couple Of Days? How Do You Want To Communicate?” One of the most important things that you can do right now is to suggest regular communication. It is very common to find that a troublesome amount of time has gone by without hearing from your husband. Before you know it, weeks may have passed without a word. When you aren’t in regular communication, you can begin to make dangerous assumptions that may not be true. It’s very important to stay in touch with one another, so anything that you can do to begin this process is helpful.

It also helps to establish your husband’s preferred method of communication. We used a variety of communications depending on how things were going (talking on the phone, meeting in person, emails, texts, etc.) But, get your husband’s input on which methods he prefers the most. That way, you won’t over-analyze things if he repetitively uses one method as a rejection.

“I Am Here For You And I Want You To Be Happy.” I know how tempting it is to demand to know why your husband is pursuing a separation. Doesn’t he know how much this hurts you? I said these very words and they came back to bite me. When you try to make your husband feel guilty or remorseful, all this does is bring up negative feelings and defensiveness. It’s important that he feels at ease with you so that he doesn’t avoid you during the separation. When he thinks of you, you want him to have positive feelings and to realize that he misses you. So reminding him that you love him and want the best for him is a much better option than having his last memory of you be a negative one.

Things To Discuss After The Dust Settles: I believe that the phrases outlined above are the most important. I have only listed four because you are likely to be rushed and the day may be very emotional. The less you have to remember, the better. It can be best to keep things simple. However, after a few weeks, you can try to push for counseling or at least regular communication.

It is important to work toward some goals during your separation. When you take a “wait and see” approach, it’s not uncommon for you to drift apart as nothing happens and you aren’t regularly communicating. The ideal situation is to have a weekly therapy appointment where you know you’re going to see your spouse. But, this is not possible for everyone. In lieu of this, after the dust settles, ask your spouse if you can meet for dinner every Friday, attend church together on Sundays, or regularly see one another. If he won’t agree to in-person meetings, ask for phone calls at a specific time. That way, no matter how the week goes, you will always have time to re-group and touch base with one another.

When long chunks of time go by with no communication, the chances for a reconciliation dim since people tend to assume the worst or distance begins to take hold.

Don’t feel that you have to address every marital issue that you have immediately. Frankly, in the early stages of a separation, your marriage is on shaky ground. You don’t want to scrutinize your relationship so much that it crumbles under the weight of this. Instead, just begin by trying to establish an easy rapport and a base from which you can later build.

To do this, you may need to be more accommodating than you feel like being. I know that I am asking much of you, but it’s so important that your husband wants to reach out to you rather than to retreat. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way and I’m trying to keep others from making the same mistakes.  You can read more about how I finally got it together and reconciled with my husband here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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