Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you’re separated from your husband but still holding out hope, every text, phone call, or brief interaction can feel loaded. You may find yourself overthinking every word, wondering if you’re saying too much, too little, or the wrong thing altogether.

One woman told me, “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I want to talk to him, but I don’t want to push him further away. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

And I completely get that. You want to keep the door open. You want to gently remind him of the bond you once had (and can hopefully have again.) But you also don’t want to undo the progress you’ve made by sounding desperate, angry, panicked, or emotionally raw.

That’s why it’s so important to be intentional, not manipulative, not fake, just intentional and deliberate, in how you communicate during a marital separation.

So let’s talk about what to say — and what to hold back — if you want to improve your odds of reconciliation.

Start With the Right Energy (Not Just the Right Words:) Before we even get to what to say, I want to emphasize this: Tone and energy matter just as much as words. If you sound anxious, tearful, or emotionally frantic or fragile, it can trigger your husband’s instinct to retreat.

Try to ground yourself before you reach out. Take a deep breath. And remember: You don’t need to fix everything right now. You’re just making a gentle connection with a man you know better than anyone else.

What TO Say:

1. Neutral, Familiar Check-Ins: These small moments build trust without pressure. Think of moments where you can tell him that you saw something that made you think of him, or where you can pop in and tell him you hope he is doing okay, or share something you recently heard about a mutual friend. Keep it light and positive.

These messages feel casual and non-threatening. They remind him that you still exist in his world, in a warm, familiar way, without demanding anything.

Acknowledgments Without Over-Apologizing: If the conversation NATURALLY touches on the past, acknowledge, but don’t beg. Try something like, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I can see how you felt overwhelmed before. I get it more now.” Or “I’m learning things I didn’t understand back then.”

This lets him see your self-awareness without making him feel guilty or boxed in.

Moments That Reflect the Best of You: When appropriate, share light moments — something that made you laugh, a small victory, or a gentle memory. These are reminders of the version of you that he probably still misses — the warm, strong, grounded woman he connected with.

What NOT to Say:

Avoid Pleading or “We Need to Talk” Speeches: Even if your heart is breaking, try to resist phrases like,  Why can’t you just come home?” “For how much longer are you going to do this?” You’re destroying our family and don’t even care.”

These come from pain, I know that. But they often lead to shutdown or defensiveness. They reinforce the distance instead of closing the gap.

Instead, think of your words as invitations, not ultimatums.

Don’t Keep Score or Test Him: Also avoid things like, “You didn’t even text me back yesterday.” “I saw you were online, but you didn’t answer me.” Or “I guess I’m the only one who still cares.”

These only stir resentment or guilt, which doesn’t build bridges or close the gap between you. If you’re going to rebuild anything, it should be based on choice, not pressure.

Avoid Constant Conversations About “Us:” This surprises many people, but talking constantly about the state of the relationship usually hurts more than it helps, especially early in separation. If your husband feels like every conversation is a negotiation or analysis of your marriage, he may start avoiding contact altogether.

Instead, show him, through your tone and consistency, that being in touch with you doesn’t have to be stressful.

What If He Pulls Away Again?: Sometimes, even when you’re calm and intentional, he’ll go quiet. Don’t panic. This doesn’t always mean he’s made a final decision.

Men often retreat when they feel emotional pressure, even subtle pressure. But if it starts to feel safer and lighter, he often drifts back into connection on his own.

That’s why staying grounded and being patient matter so much. This truly is a long game sometimes, which leads me to my next point.

The Long Game: Connection Over Control: If you’re hoping for reconciliation, the goal isn’t to convince or coerce him back. It’s to create small, consistent moments of positive emotional connection that make him feel more drawn to you than distant from you.

You don’t need to say the “perfect” thing. You just need to create a space — with your energy and your words — that feels inviting, familiar, and safe.

And you need to lie in wait. Because you may have to play this over and over again. But the more your husband sees that talking to you doesn’t lead to a heavy emotional toll, the more likely he is to do it again. And from those small conversations, something bigger can start to rebuild.

I had to use this method to get my own husband back, and I made many of the mistakes I just warned you against, which meant it took me longer than it should have. However, once I changed course, I was able to make quicker work of it. You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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