Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane” When the day comes that your husband admits he’s not sure he wants to stay married — or that he might want a divorce — you may feel like your world is spinning. And what you say next might feel incredibly high-stakes.

Should you ask him to explain?
Should you make your case?
Should you reassure him?
Should you say nothing at all?

It’s an emotionally intense moment. And because of that, the way you respond, not just with your words, but with your tone, energy, and actions, can either ease the tension or escalate the divide.

Below, I’ll walk you through what to say, what not to say, and why your response matters more than it may seem, especially in these early moments after such a painful admission by a husband.

First: What’s Really Happening In That Moment: When a husband tells his wife, “I’m not sure I want to be married anymore,” understand that he is likely feeling emotionally overwhelmed, checked out of the relationship (not necessarily the woman,) desperate for relief, and unsure how to fix what feels broken.

He may expect you to fall apart. Or beg. Or argue. Or try to talk him out of it. Don’t fall into these traps.

Because when your response is unexpectedly calm, warm, and steady, it throws off the pattern — in a good way. It can lower his defenses and create the first flicker of possibility that things might be different.

What to Say (Examples That Create Calm, Not Conflict:)

You’re not trying to “win” him back with one perfect sentence. You’re trying to create an emotionally safe space where real reflection (and eventually, reconnection) is possible.

Acknowledge Without Arguing:

“I hear you. I know this can’t be easy to say. I want to understand.”

This validates his honesty, without agreeing, pushing back, or trying to solve anything right away.

Stay Rooted in Calm Strength

“That’s a lot to take in. I want to take some time to really think before I respond too emotionally.”

You don’t have to pretend you’re unaffected. But showing composure helps rebuild the sense that you’re not going to panic or fall apart.

Own Your Side Without Guilt Trips

“If I’ve contributed to the disconnection or made you feel unseen, I want to understand more. Not to blame or defend, but to grow and change if it will help.”

This kind of mature statement often makes a husband feel less attacked, and more curious about what might still be possible.

Keep the Door Gently Open

“I’m not giving up on this marriage. I still believe in us. But I respect that you’re confused right now. I won’t force this, but I hope we can take things one step at a time.”

This shows quiet optimism without pressure. And it gives him room to want to stay, instead of your demanding it.

What Not to Say (Even If You’re Tempted:)

In these emotionally raw moments, certain reactions can backfire — even if they come from love and fear.

“How can you do this to me? After everything we’ve been through?”

This invites guilt — which often makes people shut down or become defensive. It may also make him retreat faster to escape the emotional fallout.

“You just want out because it’s easier than fixing things. You don’t want to do the work.”

Blame only confirms what he may already feel — that being in the marriage is exhausting or emotionally unsafe. Even if there’s truth in the frustration, it rarely creates forward movement.

“You’re ruining our family. Don’t you care about the kids?”

As painful as this is, pushing guilt around children can back him into a corner. And when someone feels trapped, they often double down on leaving just to reclaim control.

“Fine. Just go then. See if I care.”

Sometimes, in a moment of hurt, we try to take back the power by pretending not to care. But this often creates more distance — and may make him believe there’s nothing left to save.

A Few “Do’s” and “Don’ts” Going Forward

DO:

• Give him some breathing room. He may need emotional space to hear himself think. Don’t confuse space with surrender.

• Stay emotionally consistent. If you’re calm today and reactive tomorrow, he won’t trust the stability you’re trying to offer.

• Find a support outlet. You’ll need a safe place to process (friends, a counselor, journaling) so your husband doesn’t become your only sounding board.

DON’T:

• Try to rehash the entire marriage history right away

• Demand decisions or answers before he’s ready

• Use your communication as a means of control (even unconsciously)

What If He Pulls Away After the Conversation?

This is common. After expressing doubt or dropping the “D-word,” some men retreat even further. That doesn’t always mean it’s over. It often means the emotional stakes feel too high for him right now.

If that happens:

• Don’t chase.

• Don’t overwhelm him with reassurance.

• Just let your calm presence speak louder than words for a little while.

Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say next… is nothing at all. Give him time to sit with your steady, non-reaction. It may surprise him — and make him think.

Steady Wins Over Desperate

There’s no script that guarantees he’ll change his mind.

But women who’ve walked this path and come out stronger on the other side often say this:

“When I stopped reacting with panic — and started responding with calm confidence — everything slowly started to shift.”

Your words don’t have to be perfect. Your emotions don’t have to be hidden.
But if you can show him — even in small ways — that you’re someone safe, steady, and self-respecting in the face of all this uncertainty? You begin to gently change the dynamic. And that’s often where reconciliation begins.

Listen, I know that my words are simple, but this concept is hard in reality. It’s easy for me to tell you to remain calm when your heart is breaking.  I now full well how easy it is to tell yourself you’ll be calm when you see him and then fall apart the instant you see his face. I’ve been there myself. But I’m telling you that you can do it. If I can, then anyone can. You can read about exactly how I did it on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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