Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving marriages. Yet, I get a lot of emails from wives who are afraid that their husband’s lack of affection and verbal and non-verbal reassurance is a sign that their husband has “fallen out of love” with them, has checked out of the marriage, or that severe marital problems are on the horizon. These concerns are understandable. Often, it’s very obvious that there is a change in the level of intimacy and affection and this just feels plain wrong, despite the excuses that your husband may give about things like stress, being busy, being distracted, or even pat excuses like “it’s not you, it’s me.” In the following article, I’ll go over some of the more common reasons that displays of affection lessen and what you can do to change this.

Things That Can Contribute To A Lack Of Affection: In some rare cases, there are husbands who have never shown much affection, even in the early stages of dating. However, it’s more common that your husband couldn’t keep his hands off of you when you were dating and rarely gives you a second glance now. Or, if you ask for more affection or reassurance, you get the vibe that he thinks that you are “high maintenance,” “needy,” or nagging. You don’t want to come across as any of these, but affection is typically a direct result of intimacy and connection. When people feel connected and deeply bonded, it’s normal to want to express this in physical ways. So, if the affection is starting to wane, then it’s highly likely that intimacy and closeness is also taking a hit as well. (When intimacy goes, you are in trouble.  I learned this the hard way.)

It’s very common for women to assume that their husband’s not being affectionate means that they don’t find her attractive. You really shouldn’t assume this because it often isn’t true. Believe it or not, men are often more attracted to how you make them feel than how you look. Granted, it’s always necessary to look your best. You want to show your husband that you care about him enough to look nice for him, but men are often more concerned that their wife appreciates them, give them the attention that they need, the respect they want, and the time that is needed to feel connected. They want to feel that you understand them deeply and love them fiercely just the same. It may seem petty to us, but they want to be as important to us as our children, our friends, and our other obligations. They want us to look at them with adoring eyes and receive them with open hearts. In truth, they want the same things as we do – to feel valued.

How To Get Your Husband To Show You More Affection And Less Withdrawal: This is really a slippery slope because if you start to bug your husband about how he is letting you down or not doing enough, you’re going to come across as nagging and he’s going to experience negative emotions and pull away even more. This is obviously not what you want.

A better way to approach this is to model the behavior that you want. If you want more spontaneous gestures like hand-holding, back rubbing, face cupping, etc., then take the initiative and start doing these things to him. (Not in a fake way. He will see through this. You must get to a genuine place and work from there.) If you want your husband to appreciate you more, begin by telling him how grateful you are for all the things that he does. If you want him to take the initiative romantically, begin by taking the initiative yourself.

Now, I know that you may be thinking that I’m asking you to do all of the work. This is true at first. But, by doing these things, you’re going to begin to restore some of the intimacy and closeness. Always try to focus on creating positive, light-hearted fun interactions. Nothing is as attractive as laughter and fun times. I’m sure that you experienced this when you were dating your husband. Yes, life becomes more complicated. Yes, there is more stress today. But, you want to be your husband’s light in the storm, his safe place where he can escape to feel and be better.

Because if you can restore these things, then he is going to act more like the guy who first fell in love and was happy and fulfilled. I’d be willing to bet that this guy was very affectionate when he was first courting you. The two of you were experiencing (and exchanging) positive feelings which brought on displays of affection and wanting to be close to one another. It’s very important that you return to this place. And as it seems that he’s not in any hurry to start, it’s up to you. Treat him how you would like to be treated and eventually, I’d be willing to bet that he will return the favor.

When my husband began withdrawing affection, I did not pay close enough attention and it almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand these principles and I stooped to negative behavior.  My husband’s reaction was a strong motivator for me to change strategies, which eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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