Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife who was both confused and frustrated. She and her husband had been having marital problems for a while. They had been doing everything that they could to work on their marriage. For the last month, they’d been in intense counseling. It had been a struggle, but, as the wife understood it, they had agreed to stay the course and work together. So, she was very disappointed and angry when the husband initiated the divorce seemingly out of the blue. When she confronted him about this, he responded in a cold and distant manner and basically told the wife that he just felt that the divorce was the best thing for all involved right now.

Behind the wife’s anger, frustration, and hurt, the wife was sad. She did not want to end her marriage. And, she was disappointed that after they had been working so hard to save it, the husband had been willing to just give up. She felt betrayed and lost, and she didn’t know where to go from here. She suspected that her husband just wanted her to “give up gracefully, grant him the divorce, and go away,” but she did not want to do this. She wanted advice as to how to change his mind, stop the divorce, and ultimately save the marriage.

Her attorney was already suggesting stall tactics, and I have to tell you that legal matters are most certainly not my expertise. However, I could and did offer the wife some suggestions as to how she should present herself and interact with her husband to create the situation that was most conducive to saving the marriage. I will share these insights in the following article.

It’s Not Always The Best Idea To Try To Force Him To Change His Mind About The Divorce In The Early Stages Of It. (Try To Gain Some Ground First:) It’s very normal and understandable to feel like time (or the lack of it) is your enemy right now. So, many people will be tempted to argue, debate, threaten, or attempt to elicit guilty feelings. In short, they are trying to strong-arm their spouse into changing their mind and calling off the divorce before it’s too late to do so.

This often doesn’t work. And, when this resistance becomes apparent, the spouse will then sometimes turn on the sweet or positive efforts instead. They will try being overly affectionate or insinuate that they just can not live without their spouse. They might try to rely on intimacy or sex to change how things are going. These are usually only short-term fixes if they even work at all. And most people initiating a divorce will either be resistant to or will see right through this. Often, you are better off focusing on long-term goals that focus on positive growth rather than on short-term goals that focuses on negativity or fear.

Settling For Small Progress And Not Focusing On The Big Issues That Are Causing The Divorce Too Soon: Many times, when people are desperate to change their spouse’s mind about a divorce, they will try to cling to (and hopefully fix) the biggest issue that is pulling their marriage apart. Sometimes, they try to negotiate deals or will even offer to “give in.” This will typically not work either. Usually, the spouse initiating the divorce will respond with skepticism because they have heard these promises many times before.

You are sometimes better off if you settle for small victories. It’s probably obvious to everyone involved that you don’t want the divorce, but you have to deal with the reality that is right in front of you. It’s important to present yourself as someone who is coping and who wants both you and your spouse to be happy. Arguing and telling your spouse that they’re wrong or not seeing things clearly will generally only make them think that the divorce is the right thing.

For right now, just focus on having positive interactions with them. Find something to agree on. A good choice is often agreeing that you will make this process as conciliatory as possible so that you maintain a good relationship, even if the boundaries of it are potentially changing. (Now, you know that you don’t want the boundaries to change, but this strategy will usually make things somewhat better and will give you more access to him during the process so that you can move forward gradually.)

However, during this access, you will often do better if you put all of the big issues of your relationship onto the back burner. There is enough to worry about right now without trying to force these issues. Yes, when you are back on solid ground, you will need to work through these things, but now is not likely the time.

Presenting What You Want For Him To See: Perceptions are so vitally important right now. You don’t want him to see a fearful, resentful, or angry person who he perceives that he can’t work with. Instead, you want him to see a confident, receptive, and empathetic person who truly wants what is best for everyone. Ultimately, you want him to begin to see the woman that he fell in love with because he likely fears that she’s gone for good. But, if you can show him that she’s still present and that she’s pretty easygoing and pleasurable to work with (rather than against) this can often be the early stepping stones toward gaining a lot of ground and eventually saving your marriage.