Leslie Cane Articles

If you’ve found this article, I will assume that either you or your spouse have mentioned divorcing or separating, or your marriage is in real trouble and headed in a direction that you’d like to change. This article is written from my experience. Thus, some of the things I will advise may at first seem to go against what you’re naturally inclined to do, but please bear with me.

What Not To Do When You Want To Stop A Divorce: Before I tell you what you should do, it’s very important to know what you shouldn’t do. Doing any of the things I’m going to list will feel natural and may even feel like a relief to let off some steam, but these things will also drive your spouse further away from you, deteriorate your relationship more, and bring you closer to divorce. No matter what you have done in the past, do not beg, threaten, negotiate with, cajole, berate, stalk, constantly contact or repeatedly question your spouse and / or push his or her buttons. These things will only confirm to your spouse that you are unstable and act in a way in which he or she wants to escape. ( I know this because this is exactly what happened in my case.)

Now, I realize that maybe these tactics have worked in the past, but this hurts your cause even more. Why? Because your spouse is expressing that he wants out, and he’s seen this act before. So, when you start with all of the theatrics he/she will either tune you out, or dig in his or her heels to not let this method work this time around.

A Three-Step Plan: If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this. People run from what makes them feel bad, unsure, and has exposed them to negative feelings and run toward what makes them feel good about themselves and what they find enjoyable. I’m not saying you don’t have every right to feel furious, betrayed, confused, or confrontational right now, but you can’t show this to your spouse. Doing so will drive them further away. Let these feelings out to a trusted friend or when you are alone.

Your goal in saving your marriage is really three-fold. First, you want to diffuse the anger, awkwardness and bad feelings and replace them with cordial, comfortable, and good feelings. Obviously, this may take time. But, what you want is for your spouse not to run when they see you coming, but smile.

Now, this may mean letting the spouse have the space he’s requested at first. You may even need to say that you agree with a break for both of you (the time away will greatly diffuse the situation). Once the bad feelings begin to wane, then you begin to take incredibly small baby steps to restore those good feelings I’m talking about.

Second, you want to replace the image that your spouse currently has of you with the one he fell in love with. This person is the one that made your spouse feel so good, he wanted to be with that person forever. Now, it’s very important to realize this can’t happen overnight. If you just suddenly say “Hey, guess what honey? I’ve decided on going to change. Do you like the new me?,” your spouse is going to go in defensive mode again. What you have to do instead is to offer little glimpses of this person during very short, no pressure, light-hearted events whenever you are together.

Third, you’ll need to address and fix the problems which brought about talks of divorce in the first place. However, I can not stress enough that this should be done very late in the game. Your relationship must be on very stable ground before it can withstand serious discussions or problem-solving. For most of the reconciliation process (even if you’re the only one who knows you are reconciling), you want to keep it enjoyable and produce the kind of environment that makes everyone feel good.

Depending on the current state of your relationship and how receptive your spouse is to you right now, this will take time. Always take it as slow as you can. It’s better to have your spouse as the one wanting more, since people want what they think is rare, unattainable, or worth waiting for.

If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage in a similar situation at http://isavedmymarriage.com