Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are in a panic that their spouse is going to (or wants to) move out. Other than actually getting served with divorce papers, this is the scenario that strikes the most fear into your heart. It’s completely understandable to think that moving out is the beginning of the end of the marriage. And, it’s normal to worry that once your spouse moves out, you’ll no longer have access to them to work things out, or that they’ll start seeing other people, or worse, that they’ll actually like being on their own.

Many of the folks who write me want a concrete plan to keep their spouse home. Several things can work, but they often don’t feel intuitive and they require a leap of faith, confidence, and a quiet calm. But, they very often work if you pull them off correctly. I’ll describe them in the following article (and also tell you the strategies and tactics to avoid because they just don’t work and only push your spouse further away.)

What Not To Do When You Try To Convince Your Spouse Not To Move Out: Before I tell you the things that you should do, I’d like to first cover what you absolutely should not do. The problem with these little mistakes is that they feel like the right thing to do at the time. Emotions run high and cause you to feel like you absolutely must have a resolution right away. And, so often you will act first and think later. It’s so important that you get control over this cycle because it will force you to do things that not only will you regret, but it’s also quite common that your spouse will continue to limit his access to you because of this behavior. So, don’t give ultimatums. Don’t tell your spouse that they are mistaken or wrong. Don’t try to make them feel guilty or sorry for you. Don’t use your children as a bargaining tool or make threats. In short, don’t participate in any behaviors that are going to paint you in a not-so-flattering light.

Obviously, if you want to save your marriage, you’re going to need your spouse to change his opinion of you from negative to positive. And piling on negative emotions or actions is only going to swing the pendulum into negative territory. So, change course and concentrate on only positive behaviors that are going to make him spend more time with you, not less.

Agreeing And Offering An Alternative To Moving Out (Your Spouse Can Have Their Space Without Actually Leaving): The first thing that you’re going to need to do is to validate your spouse. The worst mistake that you can make is to imply or flat-out say that they are wrong or that they are misinterpreting the situation. This puts you on opposite sides, which is definitely not where you want to be. So, you need to agree that the marriage is not going well, is flawed, and needs to change drastically for both of your sakes. Agree that you both deserve happiness and fulfillment. Agree that a break may put things in perspective and give you the distance that you need. However, propose that the distance occurs without your spouse actually moving out.

Alternatives are suggesting that he stay with friends or family for a while, that he bunk in another room of your home, or that you make yourself scarce (and possibly stay with friends) for a short period. I understand that none of these options may seem appealing right now, but they work because you’re offering to help him get what he wants, but you’re stalling his actually moving out. Of course, when he takes you up on this, you have to make good on your promise to give him his space. Don’t cross the line and bombard him with pleas to save the marriage or to resolve things immediately. Sometimes, distance and time are actually a good thing because it eases the tension, puts things in perspective, and allows him the time to miss you.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward During The Break: No matter whether he moves out or not, you’ll need to make some changes in how you are being perceived. Obviously, if he wants to move out, he sees you in a negative rather than positive light right now. You need to change this as quickly as you can. The whole idea here is for him to realize that his perception, and his reaction to it, are absolutely wrong.

So, you’ll need to take an honest look at the qualities he loves most about you and make sure that he knows that you still have them. If he loves your sense of humor, then you need to amplify it right now. If intimacy has gone astray, you need to show him that you still value, understand, and appreciate him. He needs to be able to see that the two people who fell in love are still players in this game, that he doesn’t have to go it alone, and that he’s better off with you than without you.

I know that this can seem like a tall order when you’re so far apart or when he’s no longer accessible. But, understand that there will come a time when the two of you will communicate, and when that happens, you want to appear to be the light-hearted, happy, busy, open, and confident person that you are. You’re showing him a woman who wants to save her marriage, but who has enough self-worth to keep doing the things that make her happy and better. Of course, that includes him and you’re trying your best to bring him back into the loop, but you aren’t exhibiting negative behaviors and you aren’t playing games to manipulate him, only so you can go back to the broken things that are dissatisfying to you both. No, you’re taking the high road and conducting yourself with grace and you’re confident that the space apart will allow him to see that he misses these things and you.

When my husband wanted to move out, I did not understand these principles and I went about changing his mind in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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