Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives very much want to come up with some strategy which is going to change their husband’s mind about the divorce that he now wants so passionately. Many have pondered trying manipulation, jealousy, a surprise pregnancy, or just pleading their case.

And many very rightly suspect that these strategies often just won’t work. But when you’re at the point where you know that you are running out of time, you are sometimes willing to try just about anything. I know because I have been there. And I too have tried these desperate, last-ditch efforts which almost cost me my marriage. You’re right if you suspect that they usually not only don’t work, but they can sometimes make things even worse.

And I know that all of this talk might seem very depressing. But the good news is that there are some things that actually do work. Most of them do not work overnight and they do require determination and a little fine-tuning. But they can and do work when done correctly. Below, I will discuss some of the things that can make a man change his mind about a divorce.

He Believes That The Problems In Your Marriage Have Been Removed Or Have Changed: If I were to ask wives whose marriage is in trouble why their husbands had checked out, I know that many would say that their husband no longer loves them. But actually, this is just a symptom of a larger problem. He may think that he doesn’t love you, but this belief is merely the fallout of a larger issue that was not resolved.

So if you can pinpoint that issue and either remove it or make him think that it has changed, then he will no longer need to divorce you in order to resolve it. However, you have to use some caution here. Your actions have to seem very genuine and believable. Because if they do not, your husband isn’t going to believe in this change. He’s going to know that the change is just a convenient way for you to attempt to change his mind. For example, if you are constantly fighting about money and all of a sudden you promise your husband that you will never spend another frivolous dime, obviously he’s going to put up walls of doubt because this is very sudden and out of character. It would be better to ask him to sit down with you and make a budget and then to show him that you have no problem whatsoever sticking with it.

The money issue is just one example. But you can often find your central issue and whittle away at it in a very believable way so that he comes to realize it’s not such a huge issue after all, and that it certainly doesn’t warrant a divorce.

He Becomes So Connected To You That The Issues Don’t Matter As Much As They Once Did: Another strategy that often works is to place your focus on reconnecting with your husband. It’s my experience and observation that if you can set it up where you are intimate and reconnecting, then you might both find that the larger areas of conflict just don’t matter as much as they once did. Often, when you feel deeply in love, you are much more willing to let things go or to gloss over them. Because your payoff is the connection you have with your spouse, you often are not willing to allow any issues to get in the way of that.

He Sees That You Have Learned New, Less Destructive Ways To Debate Your Issues: Another strategy that I see working is for couples to learn new ways to debate or navigate their problems. Because sometimes, it is not the issue that dooms a marriage, it is the way that the couple handles the issue.

If the conflict gets so bad that you do little else but fight about or debate it, this whittles away at your bond. Counselors will often tell you that they can tell which couples will divorce and which will stay together by watching that same couple fight. If one or both parties are critical of the person rather than the issue or if one of them fights in such a way that it whittles away the other person’s dignity or self-respect (so that the attack feels personal,) this is a good indication that your marriage could be in trouble with the right conflict.

Take a look at the way that you and your spouse handle conflict. The key is to criticize the issue and not the person. Your spouse should not feel personally attacked. If the conflict is about money, discuss the fact that your spouse’s spending brings out the anxiety in you rather than telling your spouse that he is irresponsible and spoiled and that he feels that he’s entitled to overspend.

The above are three examples of things that you can do to begin to change his mind about the divorce. Always keep in mind that these really are long-term objectives. You don’t want to change his mind today only to revert back to your old ways or to your old marriage tomorrow. Because if you do, you’re going to have a very hard time making him believe in true change the next time.

As I alluded to, I tried manipulation in the early stages of my marriage crumbling and my husband wanting a divorce.  This seriously backfired so that I had a lot of ground to make up once I started again.  I did use the 3 strategies outlined above and they worked so well that we are still together.  If it helps, you can read my marriage saving story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin