Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who have made the decision that they would like to date their spouse during a martial separation. The idea is that these dates will make the separation more bearable and will bring the couple closer together. However, as you might imagine, there can be a lot of hesitation and nervousness wrapped up in this process. There can be a lot of doubt during a separation and no one wants to make things worse with dates or outings that are complete disasters.

I might hear from someone who says: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. I miss him. And I would like to see him on a regular basis. So I finally got my courage up and I called him. I asked him if it would be possible for the two of us to get together once a week. My husband hesitated with his answer but he finally agreed. I know that it’s important that these dates go well. And I can tell that my husband is hesitant. So what are good types of dates for separated couples?”

I don’t think it’s a mistake to understand how important these dates truly are. If you go and its awkward or you find that you and your spouse lack chemistry, then you may be hurting your chances for a reconciliation more than you are helping.

In my own experience, it’s optimal to keep the stress and pressure levels as low as is possible. Even though you have been married to this person, you want to think it terms of first dates.

Why? Because you want to keep things short and light. The idea is to leave your spouse wanting more. You want a situation where you can laugh and have fun and feel uplifted afterward. What types of situations am I talking about? Things that are focused just on having fun. Especially early in the process, the focus of the date should not be having long, emotional talks that are going to leave you drained.

Instead, the focus is on connecting in a very low pressure way. So you can go to the movies and see a comedy. I always loved this type of date because once the movie starts, no one feels pressured to talk. The only goal is to laugh. Other ideas are going to an amusement park or fair. You can go to a show of a comedian or band that you both enjoy. You can visit a landmark or place in your town where you’ve always wanted to go but never found the time.

I find that a lot of people want to make their dates very special and memorable and so they will go all out. They’ll reserve a special room or they’ll want to go back to the spot where they honeymooned. They’ll take time off of work for a long weekend. I understand why these things seem like a good idea at the time. But they can backfire because you’ve set the expectations so high. And this disappointment can turn into discouragement where one or both people begin to worry that not having success means that your marriage just can’t be fixed. This is unfortunate because I often think that if the couple would have just taken things slow and easy, they might have had a different result.

In short though, good dates during a separation are fun dates. You don’t want to slog through your problems or talk about the kids. That is what counseling or therapy is for (or self help that comes once the reconnection is established.) These dates are just for rediscovering one another in a fun and low key way.

My husband and I had several bad dates early on in our separation.  Looking back now, I realize I put too much pressure on the situation.  And it nearly cost me dearly. You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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