What Should You Tell Your Family About A Trial Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: Some people are lucky enough to become very close to their spouse’s family when they get married. Some wives will tell you that they are closer to their mother – in – law than to their own mothers. Or that they feel as if their sister – in – law is closer to them than any real sister could possibly be. That’s why a separation can affect your extended family also. And there is sometimes some confusion as to how to explain this or what to disclose.
A wife might explain: “my parents adore my husband. Sometimes, when they call and ask us over, I feel like they want to see my husband instead of me. They are all very close. They think that my husband is a wonderful man. Well, that same man has decided that he wants a separation from their daughter. My husband told me that he isn’t sure if he wants to be married and that he needs to move out in order to decide which direction he wants to take. I truly did not see this coming and it’s difficult for me to talk about it without crying. In two weeks, my parents are having a birthday party for my aunt. I know that my husband will not attend. I could ask him, but I know that he will have some excuse because he’s trying not to spend a lot of time with me right now. But I have no idea what I am supposed to tell my parents about this, particularly my father. I know that they were supposed to go fishing together next month. I am not sure what I should tell my parents about this either. The thing is, I really do not understand my husband’s reasoning about this. Part of me is considering telling my parents that my husband had a work obligation and could not make my aunt’s party. Then I’d hope that we’d get back together before the fishing trip so that my parents don’t need to know anything about our separation. But I don’t feel right lying to my parents about it either. Plus, I don’t really know how to explain the reasoning behind all of this.”
I’m not sure that I would lie to my parents. You’re not the one who made this decision, so I don’t think that you should be put in a position where you need to lie to cover it up. In my opinion, there are a couple of options. The first would be to ask your husband how he wants to handle this and suggest that since he is the one who initiated the separation and knows his own motivations, it is best that he be the one to tell your parents. He may or may not agree to this. But one reason why people dislike talking about their separations is that they don’t really know how to answer all of the questions that follow this disclosure.
The other option is to tell your parents that your husband felt he needed some time apart and then tell them that you really don’t know much more than that – since your husband was the one who initiated this. At that point, your parents can direct further questions to your husband, since he is most qualified to answer them.
But lying to your parents or hoping for a reconciliation before you have to tell them is very risky and will likely make you feel worse than you already do. It’s not fair for you to have to do this. And, having your parents’ support might be helpful right now. The other option is to just not talk about it all and then to be vague if you are asked. Merely saying that your husband “couldn’t make it” isn’t really lying. You’re just being vague because you truly don’t know what to say.
If you do chose to tell them about the separation, you don’t need to get into the particulars. You can just tell them exactly what’s accurate – that your husband felt that you needed some time apart so he’s moved out for a while and that you’re not exactly sure about his thought process or his timeline, but you’re hoping for a quick and meaningful reconciliation. You might want to stress that you hope that they don’t feel differently about your husband because of this, since you know that he values his close relationship with them.
To be honest your parents may not react as badly as you fear. Most of our parents have had their own marital issues, although we may not remember them since most of us were children when they happened or our parents chose not to involve us. So, they may have been through this themselves and just want to be a source of support to both of you.
But it’s my opinion that lying to them will just create bigger problems. I think it’s best to either allow your husband to tell them or to just tell them in very general terms you’re on a short break and ask them to support you without getting involved. Your marriage is your own and hopefully, it will be back on track before there needs to be any lengthy conversations about it.
I had no choice about telling some folks in my inner circle about my separation. But I tried to keep the explanations very short and vague. Being separated is enough to deal with besides having to worry about what to tell people. I feel that it’s usually best to give short and direct explanations and then stop it at that. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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