Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Very few people actually look forward to or embrace a marital separation. No, most people try their very best to avoid it. And, when they can’t, they decide that all they can really do is to make the best of it and to try to make it productive. By productive, I mean that you want to take advantage of this time (which you wish you didn’t have) to improve your marriage and yourself. That way, the hope is that when you do reconcile, the separation would not have only been a painful waste of time.

This all makes sense and sounds good on the surface, but many people either aren’t sure how to carry this out or they have a hard time doing this in real life. Someone might say: “my husband has been pushing for a separation for nearly six months. I held him off for a while. I was really hopeful that I would be able to change his mind. But he held firm. He actually left a couple of days ago. And when he did, his parting words to me were: ‘I think we both have a lot of things to think about during this separation. I hope that you will take advantage of this time. We both have a lot of contemplating to do.’ I was so hurt by the fact that he was going to be walking out the door in mere seconds, that I honestly did not even respond to him. And I really didn’t consider what he meant because I was so emotional that I couldn’t even process it. But now, I’m starting to think about his words. And I have decided that I don’t even know what he meant. What should I be “thinking about” during the separation? I’m not even the one who wanted it. I get that he’s going to be “thinking about” or deciding if he wants to retain our marriage. But there really isn’t anything for me to be thinking about. There is nothing for me to decide. Because I am not the one who wanted the separation to begin with.  I know that I still want my marriage. So I don’t see that there is really anything for me to ponder.”

I understand why you feel this way. I felt this way too. Much of the time, I felt like I was merely waiting and watching. And this was lonely and scary. But, my husband didn’t really come to any quick answers. And after a while, I got tired of being so passive. So I did decide that I was going to try to take advantage of the individual time I had. And looking back now, I do believe that this self examination not only helped us to eventually reconcile, but it also helped us maintain our marriage and not revert back to our old problems and behaviors.  And frankly, I needed some of the changes.  And not all of them related to my marriage.

Here are some of the things that I thought about which ended up being helpful.

Why, Exactly, Are We Here?: I find that sometimes, people are completely in the dark as to why their marriage deteriorated. And this isn’t always their fault. Because a lot of the time, the spouse who wants the separation is being evasive. He will only give you vague reasons that he wants to separate, which frankly, sound pretty lame. Sometimes, he is doing this on purpose and other times, even he isn’t clear as to why he is pursuing the separation or what he wants. He only knows that he isn’t happy and he hopes that separating for a while will fix it.

So, as unfair as it is, you kind of have to read between the lines and think back to arguments, hints, and clues as to what might really be the core issue here. This is very important. Because fixing the core issue is the quickest and easiest path to a reconciliation.

What Can You Tweak?: I never like to place blame in any separation. Often, it isn’t any one’s fault. You can’t point your finger to any particular person. It is usually just a gradual breaking down. However, you can often look at your marriage and see its weaknesses.  And you can identify any part that you played in those weaknesses. And those roles can often be tweaked a little. Do you end up fighting every time you try to discuss a hard topic? Then maybe you could work on your negotiation and compromise. Are you quick to assume the worst when your husband makes comments that don’t really mean anything? Then perhaps working on your security level makes sense. This is going to be very individual depending on your marriage. But, every one has something that they can change and improve upon. Doing this during the separation saves you time and it hopefully helps with your reconciliation.

What Do You Really Want?: So often, people think that the only person doing any soul searching during the separation is the person who wanted it to begin with. This is, at least in my eyes, a big mistake. The ideal is for both people to work on themselves as individuals during this time. If you do this, when you come back together, you will both be much stronger emotionally – which will result in a stronger marriage.

But in order for this to happen, you need to do some self exploration. What do you want for your marriage? What do you want for your life? What does your ideal day look like? I am asking you this because if you can envision it, you can make it a reality. Frankly, some of the best work I did during my separation wasn’t necessarily about my marriage.  It was about me.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin