Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Needless to say, wives of husbands who want to separate typically have a lot of questions that they want answered. But, they intuitively realize that this is a delicate situation and they aren’t quite sure which questions to ask and how to ask them.

I often hear comments like “Should I ask him if he wants to separate because there is someone else? Should I ask him if she still loves me? Should I ask him if we’re ultimately going to get a divorce? Should I ask him why he’s doing this to us?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

When Questioning Your Husband About His Wish For A Separation, Try To Focus On What Is Right In Front Of You Rather Than On The Long Term: Of course, the most pressing question for many wives in this situation is “will this eventually lead to us getting a divorce?” But, asking this might only intensify the issue even though it’s a legitimate question.

In my experience, the best result will often come if you limit yourself to the immediate future rather than demanding answers about the faraway outcome which he may not envision yet anyway. What good is it to keep pressing for an answer about where the separation is going to lead and then rush him into an answer that might be the one that you don’t want?

Try to Avoid Vague Questions You Know He Likely Won’t Answer: Another sticky situation question focuses on the why. Many of us want to know why. We think that if he can just get us an answer, we can begin to whittle away at his thought process and perhaps have a shot at changing his mind. However, sometimes this tactic can backfire because the husband becomes frustrated at the litany of questions and eventually wants to distance himself even more just to avoid all of the rapid fire grilling.

Focus On Short Term Questions that He and Will Answer: Sometimes, it is better to set things up to resolve as best as you can in the short term and let the rest work itself out.

Some things that you may want to clarify is how he envisions things working while you are separated. Does he plan to check in? Will you be communicating regularly? Can the two of you work together to set some ground rules or to make some improvements?

What You Might Want To Ask If You Sense He Isn’t Sure About The Separation: Some women want to question their husbands because they get the sense that he’s not 100 percent sure about or committed to actually separating.

Sometimes, they suspect that all of this separation talk is just his way to try to get their attention (and sometimes, they are right about this.) In this case, although it’s tempting to want to say, “Why are you doing this?,” you are better off asking opened ended but non accusatory questions that make him think that you really are on his side and want him to be happy.

A good example of this would be something like, “If you could have this situation work out any way that you wanted for it to, what would you want to happen? What is it that would make you more happy and content than you are right now? Is there anything that I can do to make this happen?”

Do you see the difference? You aren’t taking an accusatory tone and you aren’t giving him the impression that you are only interested in changing his mind. Instead, you are offering to listen to what he has to say and letting him know that you really do care what is making him unhappy and want to help him fix it. This will usually get you a lot further because he will realize that you are on his side and are an ally.

If Your Husband Is Going To Go Ahead With The Separation No Matter What You Ask Or Say: Sometimes, no matter which questions you ask, your husband is going to feel that he just needs or wants the separation. And I know from experience that this is a scary place to be. It can be heartbreaking to let him go ahead when you don’t know what tomorrow brings.

But sometimes, this is the right call. Sometimes, it is best to spin this in a positive way and feign confidence that you know you are meant to be together and that it will work out. In the meantime, it helps to paint yourself in the best light as is possible. He may change his mind and the separation won’t happen. But, if not, you want him to remember that you are still his partner,you still love him, and are still vibrant and self respecting enough to use this time on yourself and to your own advantage.