Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who want nothing more than to reconcile with their spouse as soon as possible. This can be true regardless of whether they are separated or just living together and estranged. But they often have concerns about how, and when, to talk about this. They don’t want to negate any progress that they have already made and they don’t want to get an answer or a hesitation that they find discouraging.

To that end, they might post a comment on my blog like: “for the first three weeks of my trial separation, I couldn’t even get my husband to take my calls. I was very scared that we would ultimately end of divorced. He just wasn’t at all receptive to me. Every time I reached out to him, he seemed to be annoyed by me. So I backed off a little bit and, very slowly, he has started to come around. He even asked me out for dinner last week and we had a wonderful time. This week, he has called me once per day every day of the week. I’m starting to feel encouraged now and I want to talk to him about reconciling. My concern is, how do I bring this up? What questions do I ask him?”

I could understand this wife’s excitement. I had a similar experience during my own separation. And I too got all excited when my husband began to be receptive to me. But then I noticed that as my enthusiasm increased, his began to decrease. I believe that my enthusiasm frightened him, because he was just starting to come around to the idea of wanting to be open to me and then I began to move too fast. This was very costly, because the access to him that I had waited so long to get was suddenly at risk. He didn’t take my calls with as much enthusiasm and he was no longer reaching out to me. Many people have recounted similar stories on my blog, so I would caution you to not move too quickly. Because doing so really can jeopardize all of the progress that you have already made.

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear. I know how badly you want him back as soon as you can swing it. But it is so important not to make him feel overwhelmed and pressured. Remember how hard it was to get him to open up in the first place? Do you really want to revisit that place again and start from scratch just because you didn’t go at a little bit of a slower pace?

With all of this said, there are a few questions that might be appropriate, but I would stress that before you try to ask them, you make sure that things have progressed enough to where these questions are appropriate and will be welcomed. And, always back right off if you meet with resistance.

Questions Meant To Casually Set Up The Next Meeting: I firmly believe that the goal here is to keep building on the progress that you have made. Rather than pressuring him about reconciling before it is safe and appropriate to do so, I believe that the better strategy is to set up the next encounter, and the next, etc. Why? Because when you experience a string of outings that allow you to reconnect, then reconciliation will often just naturally happen without your needing to say much about it. And, if will feel much more natural and less forced when you just allow it to happen. Plus, I honestly think that it is better to let him be the one who brings up a reconciliation. That way, you don’t have to worry whether the time is right and you don’t have to worry about rejection.

Questions Meant To Gage Where He Envisions The Future: The other bet that I think is a little more safe is to ask open ended questions meant to determine how he sees the future. You might mention that you saw an ad for a destination that you’d one day like to visit. You haven’t asked him to go with you. And you haven’t suggested a joint trip. But it might be telling to see how he responds. If he mentions that one day perhaps the two of you could go together, then you could follow up on that and it would also offer a great deal of reassurance. If he doesn’t, then you might know that you have to be a little more patient.

I don’t mean to discourage you. I know first hand how reassuring it feels when you suddenly see some progress. And when you start to become closer, then of course you want to take it to the next level as soon as you possibly can. With this said, I also know the disappointment of moving too fast and then literally feeling him backing away from you. It’s the most awful feeling because you have to wonder if you are ever going to regain the ground that you lost. And, to me, it is just not worth the risk. From my own experiences, I believe that it is better to let him be the on to initiate the talks of reconciliation.

This was very difficult in my own marriage.  But in the end, it was the right call.  Because his being the one to initiate the reconciliation gave me the confidence that it was something that he really wanted rather than suspecting that he only “gave in” to my pressure. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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