Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I will admit that many of the articles that I write are geared toward women and wives. This is partly due to the fact that this is the view point from which I’ve lived and from which I’m writing. I am a wife and I went through a separation, so I try to share my experience in the hopes that it will encourage or help others in some way.

Sometimes, however, I do hear from husbands. And many ask me if the same strategies and suggestions apply to husbands. I might hear from one who says: “I notice that all of your articles are written for women. But, you need to know that sometimes, it is the wife who leaves or who wants a separation and it is the husband who wants to get her back more than anything but who doesn’t know how. Those same husbands may have tried various things and have failed. Should husbands be working on themselves, staying positive, and doing what you have suggested that the wives do? Does this work when you are a man?”

This article will be written from the perspective of the husband. It was never my intention to leave anyone out. I am not a man, but I can give you the perspective of what wives want from their husbands and what might help you moving forward. I am not a mental health professional, but I still hope it helps.  And I do think that the same strategies can be successful for both men and women.

Know That Your Wife Wants To Feel Understood And Accepted: If I were to have a theory about what women want most from men, I’d say that it is to feel seen, understood, and to be accepted unconditionally. Many people are surprised by this. I’ve had men tell me that they think their wives want to be desired, worshipped, taken care of, etc. But from my own perspective and from what I hear from other wives, I believe that our deepest desire is to feel deeply and completely understood.

I often have people ask me why they can’t forget their first love or why that was so special. I think the answer to this is very important because it has implications for your marriage. The reason that the first love feels so special is because you were likely young and it was the first time in your life where you felt that someone “got you.” You felt accepted unconditionally at a time in your young life where it was so very important to feel accepted. When that first love ends, it’s hard to let it go because you worry that you won’t find someone who accepts and understands you in the same way.

I am telling you this because I want for you to understand that it is vitally important that your wife knows that you understand who she is to her core. And that, even with that intimate understanding, you love her without judgement and without limitations.

This may require for you to listen and observe much more, but there is a chance that if you do, this will pay serious dividends. All women want to feel like they are worth your effort. This takes attention and work but it also makes your wife want to be and stay with you.

Understand That She Hates Feeling Taken For Granted Or The Implication That She Could Be Replaced: Probably the most common complaint that I hear from wives is that their husband doesn’t even see them anymore and just assumes that they will take care of everything. Many wives tell me that their husband could hire a maid and a nanny and therefore wouldn’t miss her at all in the case of separation or divorce.

Your wife needs to feel that you want only her in your life because you see what she adds to your life and you appreciate the same. She must not feel like anyone else could do the job (or that you would want for someone else to do the job.) Instead, she wants to know that you see her as more than a household partner or roommate and that she is everything to you.  Let her know that you could not possibly have the same unique life with anyone else.

One way to start to show her this is to begin to thank her even for things that she does (or did in the event that you are separated) each every day. Look for ways that she makes your life better and tell her that you not only notice, but that you appreciate her because no one could do this in the way that she does. Make her feel unique and special. This is vital. Women repeatedly tell me that their husband does not make them feel special and that he just assumes that she is going to take care of everything without any need for recognition.  Recognize what she does.  And let her know that you appreciate it.

Be Willing To Go The Extra Mile To Show Her That Your Marriage Will Be Different If You Reconcile: Honestly, I often encourage separated men to offer to go to counseling without any negotiating or hesitation involved. If you tell her that you will see a therapist with her or do whatever is needed to heal your marriage, this will often show her that you are sincere. Many husbands resist counseling, but when you don’t it makes a very big and important statement to your wife.

If your wife doesn’t want to go to counseling, you can still take the opportunity to show her that you have a new perspective. If you were a husband who didn’t always listen before, now is the perfect time to start.  Women want their husbands to listen to them. We don’t always expect or even want for you to fix our problems, but we appreciate that you care enough to listen.

It’s likely that your wife has given you hints throughout your marriage about what you could do better. Now is the time to show her that you have been listening all along and that you are capable of real change. If you never listened, start listening now. If you took her for granted, starting showing her that you now notice and are grateful for all she has done. If you didn’t always show her respect, then show that to her now.

Give of yourself. Give your attention. Give your time. Listen without the expectation anything in return. Do not push her. If she’s not ready yet, give her time and use that time to work on yourself. She will likely notice your efforts, but it’s not always all about getting her to do something or hoping she will take you back. Any changes must be genuine so that you aren’t selling your wife something that you can not maintain later.

As you probably guessed, in my situation it was my husband who wanted the separation.  I had to use many of the strategies that I just suggested to you to get him back. If you’d like to read more, feel free to check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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