Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I received an email from a friend who wrote: “my husband told me that he’s not in love with me anymore.  He didn’t say it in a mean or spiteful way.  He was just being honest.  He said that he’s ‘trying’ to hang in there and regain the spark, but I just don’t know what to do about this. How am I suppose to process the fact that my husband doesn’t love me anymore and has to ‘try’ to stay with me?  I feel like something that is undesirable and tarnished, like an out of date tool that he no longer has any use for, but which he’s just going to keep around because he feels that he should or because he has some sentimental value or loyalty (but no love) toward it.”

Putting The Husband’s “Trying To Love” His Wife In Perspective:  First off, I cautioned the wife not to focus on the semantics too much.  Sometimes, we obsess over the words and phrasing that someone uses without realizing that that person probably didn’t give the words much thought when they said them.

These were the words that came out at the time, but that doesn’t mean that you need to analyze every syllable or stake your marriage on his choice of words.

It’s important to use this for what it is – a wake up call and a second chance.  So many wives have husbands who have proclaimed that they no longer love them and / or have filed divorce papers.  These wives were blindsided and have less of a chance to change things before a divorce is final.

So, as much as it may feel like you’re in an awful situation right now, know that it could be worse.  By being honest with you, your husband has shown that he’s still communicating and is still open to the idea that the love can be restored.

What No Longer Loving You Probably Really Means:  Men are not good at evaluating and then communicating their feelings.  Often they think they are “no longer in love with you,” when in fact they’re no longer enamored with their life or with how the relationship is going right now.  They’re remembering what was and contrasting that with what currently is and they’re feeling disappointed and let down.

Yes, this isn’t altogether fair.  Day to day stressors are realities of life and it’s likely that both of you are juggling twice as much as you did when you were falling in love.  And men very often know this intellectually, but they are still let down emotionally.

So as hard as it is, don’t take this business personally.  Because I’d be willing to bet that if you could alleviate some of the stress, take the time to find the environment conducive to bonding and sharing, and focus on what brings you together rather than what drives you apart, things would begin to look (and feel) a whole lot different.

Reality Today Compared To What It Used To Be: Hopefully, I’ve given you something to think about. It may be the bond that’s been lost rather than the love that has been lost. Husbands will often perceive it this way, but they are very often wrong.  What has really happened is that the bond and intimacy have changed, not the love.

So, how can you use this knowledge to your advantage? Well, you can start by calming down and realizing that you just need to change up the perception and the bond.  This is usually a gradual process that can’t be rushed.  But, with repetitive and careful effort, eventually you will see things begin to change.

Think back to what really drove your relationship when you first fell in love.  Many people will mention “sex” when I being up this consideration.  But, I would argue that it was not so much sex as the excitement and the intimacy that you felt. You felt desired, loved, understood, valued, and unique.

The key word here, is, believe it or not, unique.  People in love feel like they’ve finally found the other part to their whole.  They feel that they’ve finally found the person that completes them – the role that no one else could fill.  But, this is often the result of the time and attention that you devote to them.  You value their experiences, their perceptions, and their journey through life and this makes them feel uniquely special

What would happen if you tried this approach again? Honestly, what if you began to prioritize the way that you did when you were dating? It certainly couldn’t hurt, right?

Now, you can’t come on too strong or appear in genuine.  You must pace yourself so that this new tactic appears to be spontaneous.  You can’t force it, but you can allow it to happen in the way that you have set it up.

I know that things seem not so great right now, but think about the advantage you have.  You know how and why this guy falls in love.  You know his history and what he values. This is likely a larger advantage than you think.