Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some of the more commonly searched terms on this site have to do with the percentage of trial separations that succeed. This makes sense because most readers who come to this site want to save their marriages. And many of them are facing (or are already going through) a separation or break. They want to know how big (or small) their chance of success truly is.

They want to know whether it’s silly to even get their hopes up. They want to know if they are setting themselves up for heartbreak if they continue to invest their heart and their time into a marriage that is struggling.

As much as separated wives are dealing with their hearts, many of them are also realists. They want to know what they are up against. I understand this because I researched these statistics too during my own separation. I will share these statistics with you. But first, I want to talk about the questions you should ask yourself before you worry about the statistics. I know first hand that where you place your focus greatly influences your outcome.

Ask Yourself: Have I Identified And Addressed The Issues Most Likely To Make My Marriage A Statistic?: Before you start thinking about your trial separation failing, have you asked yourself if you struggle with the most common issues that lead a couple to divorce? When I ask this question, people will often respond with, “Well, money isn’t our main issue and that is the most common cause of divorce.”

You might be surprised that money is only one common cause of divorce. There are many others. And money is not always at the top of the list. It is worth taking a look at the top five issues and asking yourself which of these is applicable.  Then methodically address them as soon as you can. I see tons of couples just sort of drift through their separation with no real plan or aggressive strategy to tackle the issues most likely to lead to a permanent divorce. When you don’t remove the obstacles that stand between you and a reconciliation, then you are more likely to have a non-successful separation.

According to many experts, the top causes of divorce are: lack of commitment (which often includes a loss of attraction or intimacy;) infidelity of any kind; lack of effective conflict resolution or corrosive fighting; getting married too young; and money issues.

Not surprisingly, many couples who are separated have more than one of these issues. And the stronger the disconnect, the more likely the issue is to irrevocable damage to your marriage. So it makes sense to place your focus and identifying and clearing any of these (or similar issues) instead of focusing on the statistics. Doing so gives you a much better chance of reconciling.

What Statistics Say (And Why They Are So Hard To Capture And Portray Accurately): You may have guessed that I waited to reveal the statistics because they’re daunting and discouraging. You’d be right. Although the statistics vary – they suggest that anywhere from 70 – 85 % of separations eventually end in divorce. I know that these numbers are scary, but don’t panic.

These numbers by themselves certainly do not sentence you to a divorce. They are only numbers. And I would argue that they are numbers that are very difficult to quantify. While it’s very easy to keep track of couples who marry and divorce (as there are legal records for this,) it is much harder to quantify separations because many couples do not go through the legal system when they separate. Rather, many couples agree to live separately, pause their marriage, or take a break. Separations are unique and one may look and function differently than another. But many of them don’t include official filings that are easy to track. Therefore, it may be harder to capture these outcomes.

How To Proceed Despite The Statistics: I hated to disclose the numbers because I don’t want anyone to become discouraged or frustrated. Statistics are only numbers. They can’t account for the people or issues involved. They can’t account for your determination, tenacity, or effective strategy.

Don’t allow this to take you out of the game if you still are invested in winning. There was a time when things looked bleak during my own separation. People I love and respect told me that I was headed for divorce. I knew that they were probably right. But I didn’t have it in my heart to give up. I didn’t have any grand plan at the time (although I developed one later,) but I’m so grateful that I didn’t give up, even inwardly. Because I’m still married today because I hung on, no matter how loosely at times. (You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com)

So yes, the statistics for the success rates of trial separations isn’t encouraging on the surface. But I can tell you that plenty of couples reconcile. Many have happier marriages because of this. And reconciliation can feel that much sweeter because of it. Don’t discount THESE positive statistics. They are also real. They are also possible. Yes, you need to do everything in your power to identify and overcome your divided issues. Yes, you need to have a plan and not just wing it. And I’ll even concede that sometimes you need a bit of luck. But none of this is impossible.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin