Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel as if they are the sole participant in their marriage. They have come to believe that their spouse doesn’t care enough to be actively engaged. As a result, the marriage has deteriorated significantly and, if it was difficult to get their spouse to actively participate before, it’s almost impossible to get him involved when things start to go south.

And that’s when the frustration starts to set in. Often, the motivated spouse will try various things in order to entice their spouse to actively try to help improve the marriage. But this can sometimes only seem to make things worse. And it can leave the motivated spouse wondering if anything is actually going to work.

As an example, I might hear from a wife who says: “my marriage is really struggling. When we first got married, my husband was sweet and loving. He actively tried to make our marriage a happy one and he did all sorts of things to let me know that he loved me. But over the years, that has all changed. Honestly, it appears as if he thinks that keeping our marriage and our family together is solely my job. He doesn’t talk to me about his feelings. He doesn’t try to do better when I point out that we are mostly like room mates. He forgets special days for me. He doesn’t show me affective or show any interest in my life or what is important to me. I have gotten very tired of this. I feel as if I am in the middle of a large lake and I am frantically paddling the boat while my husband is only sitting back and enjoying the scenery. I have told my husband that I can’t improve our marriage alone. And at this point, it feels like I need to save it and not just improve it. Because I am not sure that I want to be in this lonely, one sided marriage anymore. I have tried threatening to leave my husband. I have tried just blatantly asking him to do better. I have tried to guilt him into being more attentive. Nothing works. I just think that he doesn’t want to be involved. What’s the best way for me to get him to be an active participant in my marriage?”

I commend this wife for hanging in there over so much time. If you look at any of the staggering statistics about divorce, it’s clear that many people find it easier or more appealing to just walk away rather than to stick it out even when it is lonely and hard. But, as commendable as this is, it’s an unfair situation and your marriage could be much stronger and fulfilling if you could just get him on board. So, in the following article, I will offer some tips that might make this process easier for you and more attractive to him.

Before You Ask Him To Put In The Effort, Show Him What He Might Get In Return: Often, when you ask your husband to work on your marriage, he assumes that you are the only one who is going to enjoy the end result. In other words, he thinks that you are asking him to show you more affection, to support you more, and to be a better spouse to you. And although all of these things are wonderful goals, in his mind, these things are only going to benefit you. He may see this as he is the one who is doing the giving while you are the one who is going to reap the rewards.

Make sure that he knows that there are benefits to him as well, the biggest of which is that when you are happier, you are going to be more receptive sexually. He is going to get much more enthusiastic sex initiated by his wife because suddenly his wife is going to feel more loved and valued by her husband. Not only that, but your relationship is going to be much more fulfilling to him because you will not longer need to nag him or point out the places where you are unhappy.

Only Ask For A Little Bit At A Time And Give Him Praise For Even Small Efforts: I understand that you probably have a lot of items on your wish list that you would like to see changed. But you don’t want to show this list to your husband all at one time. It will likely be overwhelming to him and he’ll feel as if you are always going to have a new thing to change or criticize. Focus on only one thing at a time. When you see him making an effort, give him lots of positive feedback. The most important thing to remember is that he you must make him want to do this on his own. He must feel as if he has the ability to please you and that, when he does, you’re going to notice and you’re going to make it worth his while.

In short, the best way to get him to participate in improving or saving your marriage is to show him that it doesn’t need to be work. It can be fun. It can be gradual. And he can start small. And when he does, you are going to make sure that he knows that his efforts are worth it. All of these things will encourage him to keep progressing and to becoming a better spouse who actively participates in his marriage.

When I was trying to save my own relationship, I attempted to do too much all at once.  This was overwhelming and my husband and I both felt that we (and our marriage) were failing.  I was forced to attempt one change at a time, but I wish I’d done that from the beginning.  It would have saved a lot of time.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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