Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you’re separated but don’t want to be, it is a fair bet that you start thinking about a reconciliation fairly early in the process.  Of course, most of us know that it’s somewhat unrealistic to think that our spouse is going to want to come home almost immediately – but that is what many of us secretly hope for.

When the immediate reconciliation doesn’t happen, many of us start to think in terms of weeks – with the hopes that we aren’t eventually thinking in terms of months. No one wants to be separated for any longer than they have to be. We all are tempted to rush the timeframe if our spouse will play along and allow us to.  But the risk in this strategy is that you may reconcile before you are ready and you may end up in worse shape than when you started.  Every time your spouse leaves, you theoretically decrease the odds of a lasting reconciliation, at least in my opinion.  So ideally, you want to have one reconciliation that lasts and you never want to have to go through this again.

Do Statistics Tell Us Anything About The Best Time?: When is a reconciliation most likely to occur?  That is the million dollar question. Someone might ask: “statistically speaking, when do most separated couples reconcile?  When is it considered to be the best time?  My husband and I have been separated for about six weeks. The first couple of weeks were pretty much disastrous.  We barely spoke and when we did speak, we fought. Very slowly, we became somewhat more cordial to one another.  Now, when we talk or on the rare occasions we see one another, it seems to go well for us.  I’m at the point where I am starting to get antsy to reconcile. I just feel like if we wait longer, we will start to drift apart even more and we might never do it then.  But some of my friends are telling me that it is going to be a mistake to pressure my husband.  What do you think?  When is the best time frame for a reconciliation?”

Why The Optimal Time Frame Truly Does Depend Upon Many Factors: I know that you are hoping that I will tell you that one month, two months, three months, etc. might be the perfect time frame.  But I can not say that.  It truly varies from couple to couple and it depends upon the issues that you are trying to work through.  It also depends upon how long it takes each person to become motivated to try to reconcile.  Some people take longer than others.  And those spouses who are already reluctant generally do not respond well to pressure.

I can tell you from the correspondence that I get on this blog that 2 – 3 months tends to be the most common time frame.  By disclosing this, by no means am I suggesting that this is the right time frame.  Some of these folks attempt the reconciliation and fail.  And others do just fine.

Rather than defining an arbitrary or set time frame, I think that the better plan is to just tell yourself that you will reconcile when you are most likely to succeed.  How do you know when that is?  Here are three guidelines I find helpful.

The Issues Are Solved Or At Least Making Good Progress:  It’s so easy to think that all you need is a willingness to reconcile and you’re well on your way.  But if you don’t address the dividing issues, you can bet that they will one day come back.  Now, fixing them takes time.  Some are so weighty that they take a long period of time to fix.  I’m not suggesting that you wait until none of the issues exist any longer.  But I am suggesting that you wait until you have a repetitive plan in place where you are seeing decent progress and you don’t mind continuing the process over time.  Unless you can and are willing to do that, your marriage will remain vulnerable.

Both People Are Ready And Willing To Reconcile:  If you have to pressure or convince your spouse to attempt a reconciliation, this is probably a good hint that you aren’t ready yet. Successfully reconciling after being separated can be tricky when both people want it more than anything.  But having one person who is dragging their feet or who is unsure adds stress to an already stressful situation.  If your spouse is not willing and enthusiastic yet, it’s best to wait until he is.  The last thing you want is to fail because his heart wasn’t in it.

You’ve Eased Your Way Into This And Have Tried Several Experimental Trial Runs: I don’t suggest having your spouse move back in abruptly.  I suggest having several weekend or even week-long trials before you make it official and move furniture, clothing etc.  You want to experiment and make sure that it goes well and that you can make any necessary adjustments before he actually moves back in for good. I know that this may seem like a delay to you.  But when something is this important, it is better to be safe than sorry.  You want to have confidence that you will succeed.  You want to erase any doubts so that you can both be enthusiastic and excited.  And easing into it is a very effective way to do this.

I’m sorry I don’t have a timeline that is set it stone.  But it truly does vary.  I think that the best time frame is the one that allows you the greatest chance of success.  This happens quickly for some couples and takes a little longer for others.  In my observation, a longer time frame does not diminish the chances for success as long as you work hard.  My reconciliation took longer than I would have liked, but it was ultimately successful. You can read more about that time frame on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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