Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I’ve noticed that in the last couple of years, we’ve seen a lot of buzz phrases from couples who are trying to figure out the direction of their marriage with as little drama and pain as is possible. You may hear phrases like “conscious uncoupling” or “peaceful separation.” People are often confused about these seemingly contradictory phrases. Isn’t this a contradiction in terms? If you are by definition separated, how is this peaceful? And is this just a code phrase for the first step in a divorce?

No, from my experience, a separation does not always have to be the first step in a divorce. And yes, it can be peaceful if you and your spouse make a very conscious effort to make it so. It’s my opinion that couples who are very deliberate and thoughtful about their separations have a much better chance of reconciling and then maintaining a healthy marriage.

Peaceful, Or In Denial? I often hear from wives whose husbands are attempting to engage in a “peaceful” separation but the wives think that this is a ruse. They believe that their husband is pushing the peaceful angle to get them to go quietly into the night and just accept the separation without complaint. Many people do not understand how temporarily splitting up can imply anything harmonious. While I understand these concerns, I believe that this is not always the case.

In fact, I believe there are many benefits to trying to make your separation as cooperative as you can. I wish I had understood this concept during my own separation. None of this means that you want the separation or that you are just going to accept it without question. It simply means that you are trying to be your spouse’s continued partner rather than his adversary.

Reasons Couples Seek A Peaceful Separation: Today, we have much more information and studies about how contentious separations/divorces negatively affect our families. Many of us who are children of divorced parents can recall extremely tense situations when our parents were trying to navigate their separations and divorces. It was not unusual for children to be caught in this crossfire and even for things to become downright ugly. These same children might grow up and struggle to navigate their own adult conflicts because they had no one to model how to handle conflict with thoughtful compassion.

Even when no children are involved, the negative resolution of the conflict can hurt all involved. Dealing with a struggling marriage is hard enough without dealing with the pain of hurtful actions and behaviors during a separation.

Because of this, many parents and families agree that they will make family harmony a primary goal during their separation. This can happen even when there are no children involved. This means that the couple makes it a priority to treat each other with respect even when there are issues between them. Many agree to seek counseling at set times in order to work on their relationship. They do this because they know that even if they divorce, they want to maintain a positive relationship. Many couples who seek this kind of separation know that they will always be in each other’s lives. So, even if they are eventually no longer married, they still want to maintain a loving relationship.

This usually means that they will still celebrate family holidays and gatherings. They will still support and confide in each other. And they will treat each other as authentic family members regardless of what happens.

The Benefits: Sometimes, all of this working together actually inspires a reconciliation and a stronger marriage. Because you have made an agreement to treat each other with respect and reverence at all times, this will sometimes lead to an improvement in your relationship, which in turn helps you navigate the conflict that lead to the separation in the first place. This can be especially true if you are regularly working on your relationship.

However, even if this doesn’t happen, agreeing to a more harmonious separation can mean that the entire process is less painful for everyone involved. This can be a very difficult period in everyone’s life. Anything that you can do to make that easier can be helpful.

How To Get Your Spouse To Agree: If this all sounds good to you, but you’re frightened that your spouse is going to think you are “new age” if you mention it, consider phrasing it in a more direct way. You don’t have to use the buzz phrases to describe it. Consider something like, “to make this process easier, I’d like to talk about separating with compassion and cooperation. I want you to know that I still consider you to be the most important person in my life and I want us to maintain this important relationship no matter what happens. My goal is for this separation to ultimately bring us closer together. I know that our relationship may look different right now, but that doesn’t change how important you are to me. That doesn’t change how much I value your place in my life and I want to maintain this no matter what happens. Can we agree to this?”

Once he agrees, then brainstorm ways that you might accomplish this. Sometimes, this means meeting regularly or committing to counseling or some other mechanism like self-help that may improve your relationship. This may mean working together to make sure that family time continues and creating a united front with extended family.

I realize that phrases like “peaceful separation” sometimes feel like new age trends. However, I wish I’d approached my separation more peacefully. If I had, I might have been able to reconcile much earlier.  You can read more about how we eventually reconciled here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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