Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who are discouraged when they hear advice or read articles about rebuilding their marriage during a trial or marital separation. And, the reason for this is that they often feel that there is no marriage to rebuild. They look over their marriage and they honestly feel as if nothing is left.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about four weeks. Nothing has changed. I had hoped that we would miss one another so that the separation would naturally end. That hasn’t happened. If anything, my husband seems more annoyed with me than ever. I’ve tried researching and reading about separations and every one advises that you need to try to rebuild your marriage during the separation. But quite frankly, there is no marriage to rebuild. We haven’t had a real marriage in several years and maybe longer. I can’t tell you when was the last time we had sex. I can’t tell you when was the last time we laughed. I don’t remember feeling close to or bonded with him at any time in my recent memory. Things have been bad in our marriage for so long, I wonder if we ever had a marriage at all. How in the world can you be expected to rebuild your marriage when there isn’t a marriage to rebuild?” I will try my best to offer some tips for doing this in the following article.

Never Underestimate The Power Of A Shared History Coupled With Determination: Believe it or not, this situation isn’t at all uncommon. Many people comment on my blog and express that they are extremely worried that their marriage is too far gone to save. They tell me that they haven’t felt connected in years and that they are more like acquaintances than spouses. They tell me that they feel that no matter what they try, their spouse is going to reject them or it really isn’t going to matter anyway. They tell me that there is no loving feelings left.

And yet, over and over again, these marriages sometimes end up saved. The ones that have been left for dead are somehow revived or rediscovered. You may well feel as if you don’t have anything left. But you do. You have a shared history together and that matters. And you have drive and determination to stay the course. That matters also. Now, you just need a workable plan in order to get started.

Step Back. Don’t Focus On Rebuilding A Marriage In The Beginning. Focus On Rebuilding A Relationship: Often, when we focus on rebuilding a marriage that we’ve left for dead, we can get easily discouraged if we don’t get quick results. We start to worry that it is just too late for us. This puts so much pressure on the situation that we become at risk of giving up.

That’s why I often suggest taking a step back and telling yourself (and your spouse) that you’re going to move very slowly. In other words, you aren’t going to expect to craft a new marriage in the beginning. You’re merely going to try to improve the relationship between you a little at a time so that, no matter what happens with your marriage, at least the relationship will be in tact and improved. This takes a lot of the pressure off of the situation and it makes this process easier.

Think of it this way. You’re just trying to rediscover the people involved so that you can rediscover the core of your relationship. This probably means that you are going to talk more. You might try to take walks together with no set goal in mind. You’re merely trying to recreate that easy togetherness that you used to have. You don’t need to push it or try to rush things or convince yourself that you need to have amazing sex immediately or your marriage is over. That’s just too unrealistic and it discourages you.

Instead, just try to get the recognition, the easy connection, and the respect back. Take it one step at a time. And, understand that this might take awhile. But, it is well worth the effort and here is why. When you are successful at restoring the comfort level between you, then when you do attempt to rebuild your marriage or even place the focus on your marriage, the process is going to be so much easier. And the awkwardness is going to be so much less. And this will make both of you much less likely to get discouraged. And it will be much easier to stay the course.

To address the original question posed, I believe that you can rebuild your marriage even when you believe that there is nothing to rebuild. And one way to do this, is to step way back and take the slightest, smallest baby steps. Focus on the relationship rather than the marriage. And don’t pressure yourself unnecessarily. Believe in yourself and in your history together. And then try to keep the process light and playful. This really is an opportunity to redefine your marriage and to rediscover one another. When this is done correctly, it’s actually a lot of fun once you hit your stride.

I had to use a very gradual process in order to save my marriage.  Sometimes, the stress was frustratingly slow.  But every time I tried to rush it, I ended up having to start over because my husband pulled away.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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