Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many spouses who pursue a trial separation wonder if living alone and not dealing with their spouse full-time is going to have any effect on their happiness level. Some are hoping that it does. And others are scared of what will happen if they feel better, happier, or more carefree without their spouse.

Someone might ask: “I know it sounds weird, but I am hoping that I am not happier during the separation. And I’m not even the one who wanted it. My husband changed after he got into a car accident. Admittedly, anyone would struggle after going through what he has had to endure. He’s had pain in his back, neck, and shoulders. My husband used to love to work out, but now he has to limit that. So he’s gained weight and he’s not as content and outgoing as he used to be since he has no physical outlet. I’ve tried hard to support him during this process, but he’s mostly pushed me away. He’s now thinking that he wants to separate to see if that will make a difference to him. I doubt that it will. Frankly, regardless of whether he is married to me or living with me, he’s going to face the same challenges. And I’m pretty sure that it is the physical challenges that are making him unhappy. I’m honestly not too worried about how he’s going to feel. But I am worried about how I am going to feel. I am afraid that it’s going to feel like a relief for me. Honestly, it wears on me to always try to cheer him up. It’s physically exhausting to have to pick up the slack. I am committed to loving my husband in sickness and in health. And so I’m worried that I am going to find I’m actually happier during the separation. That is the main reason that I have been trying to talk him out of it. But he doesn’t seem to be changing his mind. What if I find that I want out after being separated?”

It sounds like you are both dealing with a very stressful time. And it sounds as if your husband really needs your support and perhaps some additional professional support – regardless of whether he realizes it or not. You didn’t mention counseling, but I would strongly recommend it. I am not a counselor, but even a layperson can realize that in a situation like yours where there are so many struggles, fixing this is outside of the realm of most people’s expertise – no matter how good their intentions.

It is not your husband’s fault that he got in a car accident and is now struggling. And it is not your fault that you are reacting to all of the demands that are now being placed on you. Being a caregiver is hard, no matter how much you love the person.  This difficult situation isn’t anyone’s fault. And even the best marriages might struggle under all of these stressors. That’s why I think it just makes sense to get outside help. The physicians who are helping your husband recover from his accident may be able to help you with a referral to a therapist.

I would suggest not pursuing the separation until you have a counselor. Because she may help you be able to avoid it altogether. Or, if it does happen, she can help you to set guidelines that keep it controlled in part by outlining that you will continue communicating and trying to move forward.

Separations that have goals and set guidelines have a much higher success rate than when people separate and then decide to just “wait and see how we feel.” Not having a plan is a very common reason for misunderstandings and resentments. And these things can just add to the issue you are already dealing with and hurt your chances of reconciling.

I understand that you feel torn. But don’t beat yourself up. You’re under a great deal of stress and it is normal. Not everyone would be more concerned about their spouse’s welfare than with their own sense of relief. That says quite a bit about your commitment level and integrity. And, you may find that not being able to be present during the separation actually causes you more discomfort than happiness. Many people are surprised to find that their feelings are not what they expected when they separate. And, if you do feel some relief, then that’s something that you should respect and explore with a counselor. She can probably help you deal with any guilt or mixed feelings and then explore where to go from there.

Of course, this assumes that the separation happens. I don’t think that it’s out of the question that a good counselor can help make sure that it doesn’t happen in the first place. And if it does, she can help you go make it a process that brings you closer together rather than pulling you apart.

What you’re going through is a stressor beyond what most people, and most marriages, are used to dealing with. I’m sorry I’m not more help. There is no shame in needing some support to get through it. I honestly think that getting that help is the smartest thing that you can do and is every bit as important as physical rehabilitation. People don’t think twice about getting medical treatment after an accident or injury. But many feel strange about getting emotional treatment. I wish this weren’t the case, but it is.

I think that your husband must know how supportive that you have been.  It’s important to not suppress your own feelings.  Yes, he is struggling, but you matter too.  My separation actually made me miss my husband and realize that I valued my marriage more than I ever imagined.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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