Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I’ve dialogued with many people who are in no way ready to throw the towel on their marriage. But, they are often the only one in the marriage who feels this way. Typically, one person wants a divorce, while the other does not. 

The person who wants to stay married mostly knows that they have a lot of work to do, but they aren’t sure where to start. They know that they will either need to delay or stop the proceedings or change their spouses’ minds. I’ll discuss the latter in the following article.

Why I Feel That Trying To Change Your Spouse’s Mind About The Divorce Is The Best Strategy To Take When You Don’t Want To Split Up: I am sometimes asked questions about legal strategies. I am never able to answer these questions because I’m not an attorney, but also because I don’t feel that this is a very successful tactic. 

I don’t see stall tactics or playing “hardball” working very often. Usually, this only angers and annoys the spouse who wants the divorce. When you are opposing them in this way, it usually only makes them want the divorce more – and it also typically makes them want it to be over with more quickly.

Also, even if you are successful in using these oppositional tactics, you will likely always wonder if your spouse is really totally on board. You might get them to “give in,” but you’ll always wonder if you really have them with their whole hearts. 

I often have people tell me that they try to show their spouse how much money they are going to lose in the divorce. The goal is to show the spouse that it’s just going to be too expensive to buy their freedom. Honestly, though, do you really want your spouse to stay married to you only to save money?

Of course not. You want them to remain married to you because they love you and they want to be with you for life. This is often not accomplished by fighting with them or being on opposite sides of them. You will likely have much more cooperation and success if you can find something to agree upon and convince them that you really are on your side.

Sometimes, you simply have to start by agreeing that you will make this process as bearable as possible because you want to remain close and you don’t want to hurt one another. Sometimes, you will have to tell your spouse that you intend to work with them to maintain the history and feelings between you, even if your relationship is evolving into something else. 

By doing this, you have become an ally rather than an enemy, and you’ve hopefully gained yourself some access to your spouse because they won’t fear having to deal with you (like they would if you were arguing with them or all the time or constantly telling them why they were wrong.)

I understand that this might seem like a difficult and risky strategy, but it is, without a doubt, the one that I see having the greatest amount of success and it’s the only way to know that allows you to maintain your integrity. 

You’ve also set it up so that your spouse can come back to you in an honest and lasting way that is free from conflict and compromise that their heart was just not behind.

Setting It Up So That The Loving Feelings Return So That Your Spouse Calls Off The Divorce And Wants To Stay Married: This is usually something that has to happen gradually so that it is lasting and genuine. Your spouse likely wants a divorce because there is something in the relationship that has been lost or is no longer working. They likely perceive that they would be better off alone. These are the perceptions that must be addressed or changed.

Without knowing your situation, I can tell you that most marital issues stem from shifting intimacy and lessening closeness. Somewhere along the line, your partner stopped thinking as part of a couple and started thinking as an individual. 

This usually happens as the bond begins to weaken. Returning this bond is usually a process rather than an overnight event. You will generally need to build on a series of successes until you can bring about a dramatic change in perceptions.

You really need to elicit feelings that make him (or her) remember things when they were good. Make sure he sees the qualities that made him love you in the first place. (If he loves your sense of humor, make sure he sees it.) Over time, he will begin to question his perception that the marriage is dead and that you are two different people. He needs to see that the two of you can interact in the same positive way that used to make you both happy.

To do this, you will sometimes have to settle for small victories. The meeting over coffee that ended in laughter might give way to something more. The key is to not push too hard, to appear that you are coping with integrity and are considering his best interests and wishes and that you are the same, upbeat person who is very capable of bringing about loving feelings in him.