What Happens If One Spouse Has A Birthday During A Marital Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are going through a marital separation. This often brings about a slew of questions about etiquette and the correct or appropriate way to act. Couples often have marital habits and traditions and they aren’t sure how to approach these things when they are separated. One example of this is when one of the spouses has a birthday.
I might hear from someone who says: “my husband and I have been married for eight years. And for every one of those eight years, I have made a very big deal out of his birthday. Every year, I give him a card and in that card are clues where he can find a bunch of gifts. There is a clue for the next gift hidden in the first gift and so on. My husband has always enjoyed this tradition and I love planning it, writing the clues, and hiding the gifts. This year, however, we are separated. My husband told me he needed some time and I later found out that he had been involved with someone else, although he claims that all of that is now over and that his wanting a separation isn’t the result of any other person. We do not talk as much as I would like, but we do talk every couple of days. The last time we talked, I asked my husband what he wanted to do about our birthday tradition. He said that his mother asked him to spend his birthday with her and that he’s just not up for the scavenger hunt this year. This hurts me so badly. By no means do I think that one little scavenger hunt is going to bring us back together, but I don’t see what harm it would bring to just look for a couple of gifts during one day. At the same time, one of my friends told me that I shouldn’t go against his wishes. She said why cause a huge argument when all I have to do is to listen to his input? I suppose she is right but I hate this. What are you supposed to do when one spouse has a birthday during the martial separation?”
Honestly, there are no set rules of etiquette here. In the best case scenario, the spouses talk openly about this and they decide on a celebration that they both agree with in accordance to their comfort levels. In the worst case scenario, no one talks about it and one spouse decides the course of action on their own and upsets the other. I have seen people chose to ignore their separated spouse’s birthday which results in resentment and hurt feelings. And I have seen people act as if nothing has changed and have that decision not go over so well.
That’s why it’s very important to talk openly and honestly and then to accept your spouse’s feedback, even if you do not agree with it. I know that it might be very tempting to just go ahead with the scavenger hunt in the hopes that it will bring about good memories and reignite your bond. But it can go the other way too. Your husband can get angry that you didn’t listen to his input and that you overstepped the boundaries.
I’ve always felt that the best way to handle this is to acknowledge your spouse’s birthday and to stress that you are thinking about them and you hope that they day turns out exactly as they want it to, but you never want to directly ignore the directive that they have given you. Because this just makes them feel like you aren’t listening or you don’t care what they want since you only care about your own agenda.
Instead, I would suggest trying to strike a balance. I would suggest mailing or sending a card or gift depending on what you feel is appropriate. And I would write something like: “I hope that your day unfolds exactly as you want it to and that you know that I am thinking about you today. I hope that we can resume our scavenger hunt next year, but please know that the spirit of the hunt continues on. Happy birthday.”
This shows him that you are respecting his wishes, that you want to acknowledge his birthday, and that you still hope that things might change. I know that it stinks to have to delay or halt your traditions. But in my experience, it’s better to do as he has requested rather than to go ahead with your own agenda and make him think that he hasn’t been heard.
There were some traditional holidays and events that I had to miss during my own separation. But once we reconciled, we picked them back up. It was a rough time for a while, but it’s important to not make it worse by not listening to your spouse’s input. You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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