What Does My Husband Want To Hear From Me During Our Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are looking for the perfect combination of what to do or say during their marital separation in order to lure their husband back to them. Often, the wife knows that she wants to save her marriage and work things out while the husband is not so sure. So the wife often intuitively knows that it would be to her benefit to say what the husband wants to hear, but the exact words often elude her.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband moved out about five weeks ago. He moved out because he felt that we were too different to really make our marriage work. He is very conservative and I am very outgoing. I guess you would call me a risk taker while he most definitely isn’t. He’s a planner and I am more than willing to fly by the seat of my pants. I guess it comes down to the fact that he thinks that I am irresponsible and he thinks that being married to me is bringing him down. He doesn’t want to not have savings or assets because his wife isn’t mature enough to save and plan. I do understand this. But it feels as if he is rejecting me rather than being concerned about my spending habits. I am more than willing to be more responsible about money and about the things that are important to him. I have tried to tell him this, but he always interrupts me or he seems to discount what I am saying. The point is, I have tried to tell him that I can and will change. It doesn’t seem to matter. I have told him that I love him and that I can be a good wife who can make him happy. But my words don’t seem to work. What does he want for me to say? What is he waiting to hear? I want to tell him whatever words he is waiting for, but I’m just not sure what it is.” I will try to address this in the following article.
Know That It Often Isn’t Your Words That He Is Waiting For: I know that it’s very tempting to think that if you just said the right things, then he would understand that it is to his benefit to go ahead and come home and work things out.
But what you may not realize is this. Usually by the time that someone finally becomes motivated to leave or separate, they have built up a good deal of doubt that things are really going to change for the long term. So they are understandably going to have some doubt regardless of the words that you say. You could say the most articulate, pretty, and sincere words and he might still doubt the sincerity or the accuracy of what you are saying simply because he may have heard it before. Or because he knows that you are motivated to say whatever you need to say in order to get him back.
So, although what you say is important and it can help, it is often going to take more than words to end the separation and to get him home. You will often have to follow up anything that you say with sustained and continuous action.
The truth is, people can and do say anything in order to get their spouse back home. And only a small number of them actually do what they say or make good on their claims. And this isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. People just naturally fall back into their old habits unless they are very consciously and deliberately evaluating their actions and behaviors on a near constant basis.
What To Say To Set The Stage For Your Upcoming Actions: Hopefully by now you accept that you are going to have to follow up any words with action. Frankly, what you do is more important than what you say. However, in order to build up to this, you might want to say something like: “I know that you have doubts when I say that I am willing to change and to act more responsibly about the things that are important to you. I do understand why it’s important to you to plan for our future. And I am willing to respect your wishes in this regard because I know that you are only looking out for us in the future. I know that you think we are very different people and you are probably right about that. But I believe that if we handle our differences correctly, they can work for us rather than against us. I know that you’re not going to believe what I am saying simply because I’m stringing some words together. But I plan to show you that I mean what I say. I am confident that over time, it will be obvious how sincere I am. I hope that you will give me that chance and that you will keep an open mind and allow me to prove these changes over time.”
Your husband is much more likely to accept words like these. The reason for this is that you are not asking him to just blindly believe you. Instead, you are only asking him to keep an open mind as you prove your claims by showing him rather than telling him.
So to answer the question posed, there usually isn’t a string of words that will make a separated husband want to immediately come home simply because most husbands will have some doubts. It helps to adequately address the issues between you. And it helps to tell him that you are going to prove your words to be true with your actions. But frankly, most of the time, actions matter much more than words.
Believe me when I say that I tried many combinations of different words when my husband and I were separated and I was desperately trying to get him back. But it wasn’t until I took decisive action that he began to pay attention. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
