Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes when you are reluctantly separated from your spouse, you see communication as a sort of life line. Whether we’re talking about verbal or written communication, touching base with your spouse can feel vital. Because it’s the only way that you have to establish that they are OK and it’s the only way to gage how they might be feeling.

So when they refuse to keep the lines of communication open, it can be extremely frustrating and worrisome. And it can make you wonder if there are some implications to this. Someone might describe this situation: “my husband honestly didn’t seem that angry when he left. He told me that we needed some time apart and assured me that he would be staying with mutual friends of ours. He insisted that neither of us did anything wrong, but that he noticed a distance between us and he felt the need to explore it. We didn’t specifically discuss how often we would talk. But I assumed it would be often since there was no animosity between us. That’s why I was so shocked when my husband started out by ignoring my calls and texts. I got so frustrated with this that I actually called our mutual friends and asked if they could put him on the phone. It took a long time for him to come to the phone, but when he did, he sighed and said ‘I’m not ready to talk yet. I think we should cool it for a while and take a break. And this means taking a break from talking all of the time.’ I didn’t know how to respond. I don’t know what all of this means. Why would he refuse to communicate with me? He has no reason to be angry with me. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

I believe that this situation is quite common. I get a lot of emails from wives who were assured that they would talk regularly. But then once the husband actually leaves, he clams up and that promised communication doesn’t really happen, especially at first. This makes the wife feel scared and a bit betrayed.

I can only speculate as to why he might be avoiding communication. I think that the most likely reason is that he thinks that this going to be necessary to get the space and distance that he’s asked for. He wants to be able to evaluate how he’s feeling and, in order to do that, he may feel that he needs to keep his distance at first. I am not telling you that his thought process is correct. I am just speculating as to what his thought process might be.

Many wives worry that he’s not communicating because he’s already made up his mind that he wants a divorce. I am not sure that you can just automatically assume this until you give it some time and see if he eventually becomes more receptive.

Many wives have no idea how to handle this. Should they just keep calling and texting with the hope that one day soon, he’s going to be receptive? Should they just wait for him to call them and, if they do this, isn’t it more likely that he will never call?

This really is your decision, but it’s my experience that it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to force someone to communicate with you. And when you try this, you usually find that they become angry and even more distant.  At least this was my experience.  During my separation, all I got when I tried to force my husband to communicate was his worsening animosity. So after a while of my getting this reaction, I decided that I was only making things worse and deteriorating our relationship that much more. I do understand how it feels risky and too passive to just wait for him to call. But I didn’t feel there was much of a choice.

Perhaps a good compromise is to say something like this: “I didn’t anticipate that you’d want to limit communication with me, but I realize that I can’t force you to talk to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if I’m understanding you correctly, it seems that you want a break from communicating. So I will call you again in a while and see if you’ve changed your mind.”

This leaves things open ended. You’ve allowed him the space he’s asking for, but you’ve also alluded to the fact that after giving him some time, you’ll reach out again. This stops short of committing to waiting endlessly for him to call you.

I know that this is hard. I used to constantly worry that stepping back in this way would mean that my husband would never reach out to me. But honestly, the breaks seemed to make him just a little more interested. I can’t promise that this is always the case, but I’m not sure what other choices there are. You can’t force this on him. And you want to keep the possibility of positive communication open in the future. But if you push or try to push this, then you jeopardize the future communication. It makes sense to sometimes back away and give him the time he’s asked for and then revisit to see if his stance has changed. There’s more about this delicate balance on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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