Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Hearing the news that your spouse wants a divorce can be absolutely devastating. But not being given all of the information – and not knowing what is driving his decision to divorce you – is so much worse. And the reason for this is that you can’t see what you are fighting against. If you know why he wants a divorce, then you can methodically approach each issue that he may have until none are left standing. But when you are fighting an invisible enemy, then this process is more difficult, but not impossible.

I might hear from a wife who says: “three days ago, my husband came home and, over dinner, very calmly told me that he wants a divorce. I literally dropped my fork. I was so not expecting that. I know that there are sometimes when we struggle to get along and I know that sometimes the intimacy isn’t there in the way it was when we first got married. But I never thought that we were headed for a divorce. Not once. After my husband finished his little spiel about wanting to end our marriage, I asked him a very simple question. I asked him why. He said he couldn’t really put his finger or any one particular reason and that it was the combination of non specific things that all equals up to the fact that he would rather not be married. Because of his refusal to give me a real reason, I assumed that he was having an affair and that there was someone else. My husband seemed very offended by this, but he would not confirm it or deny it either way. What does it mean when your spouse won’t tell you why they want a divorce?”

Honestly, it could mean any number of things. It could mean that he suspects that his reasoning doesn’t hold water and that he knows that when he tells you his pitiful or obscure reasons for wanting to turn your world upside down, you are going to poke some serious holes in his theories or debate this with him endlessly. Being told that he is wrong or participating in a debate likely doesn’t sound very appealing to him, so he may decide to keep his thoughts and his theories to themselves.

Or, he may feel that his reasons for wanting a divorce are completely sound as far as he is concerned, but he knows that you are not going to agree with him. He knows that you are just not going to buy whatever he is selling and so, to keep him from having to defend himself, he would just rather not engage.

Another possibility is that he himself is unsure of his reasoning. He may not have any really specific reason that he can put his finger on for wanting a divorce. Rather, he just knows that he is generally not happy and he suspects that he might be happier single.  In his mind, there is really nothing to discuss or to debate since he isn’t dealing with specifics.

I am not going to tell you that it’s not possible that there is someone else. There is always that possibility and this is not an uncommon reason for a man to abruptly indicate that he wants a divorce. But, I think that it can be a mistake to automatically assume that this is always going to be the case because it isn’t.

So what can you do when you can’t get a grip on his reasons for wanting a divorce? First, you know that things aren’t completely immediate. The divorce process does take some time. You aren’t likely to be divorced tomorrow, although I know first hand that this is how it feels sometimes. So, as best as you can, try not to panic and try to approach this in a cooperative manner rather than an adversarial one. If you take a stance of “I’m going to fight him every step of the way so that he can’t do this to me,” then the odds are pretty good that he is only going to want to finish this process more quickly just to be rid of all of the drama. Instead, you want for him to feel like there is no hurry.

Honestly, as this begins to play itself out, you will often get a sense of why he wants a divorce. And, even if not, you can pretty much always safely assume that even if the specific reason is not immediately obvious, he is probably acting out of his assumption that he’s going to get something that he wants by divorcing you – whether that is more happiness, or more freedom or whatever.

Your job is to attempt to show him that he doesn’t need to divorce you to feel happier or more at peace with himself. I know that this can seem to be a huge undertaking. But, you have to approach it a little bit at a time. You have to be careful not to apply too much pressure so that he doesn’t limit your access to him. You want to make sure that you have good conversations or face to face meetings so that he is open to the next one tomorrow or next week. In this way, you slowly begin to build. You slowly begin to change his mind.

I know that this process is slow and gradual.  I know that it is hard.  But I had to use the gradual approach myself.  And it was the only approach that worked.  If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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