What Does It Mean When A Spouse Says He Has Thought Of Seeing Other People?
By: Leslie Cane: Some wives have husbands who have admitted (usually during an argument or fight) that they have thought of seeing other people. And the wife who is on the receiving end of this revelation can often wonder what this means for her marriage. She might say: “I will admit that my marriage has been going downhill for the past several months. My husband is distant and always seems angry. A couple of days ago, we were arguing once again when he blurted out ‘what happened to us? Our marriage is awful. I almost can’t even stand to be in the same room with you anymore.’ I was momentarily stunned. I asked him if he was saying he wanted a separation or a divorce and he told me that he didn’t know but that he often thought about both of those things. And I asked what other things had he been thinking about. It only got worse from there because he said that he’d been thinking about seeing other people. I asked him if he had a specific woman in mind and he said that he didn’t but that he thought that seeing other people might give him some perspective on our marriage and if he wants to fight for it or not. I’m really beside myself about this. What does it mean when your spouse freely admits that he’s been thinking about other people?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.
This Admission Should Be A Huge Warning Sign That Inspires Immediate Action: I know that these words are probably devastating to you. But, believe it or not, there is a silver lining here. Some spouses won’t admit to wanting to see other people until they are already having an affair, or have arranged to file for a divorce. In other words, sometimes you won’t get this little warning until it is already too late. However, this wife was at the point where her husband was still living with her, wasn’t initiating a divorce (yet) and was giving her a huge heads up. Although this might not feel like an advantage to her at this particular time, it most definitely was.
Because at this point, she still had time to make saving her marriage a huge priority. Admittedly, the husband said he was still deciding whether he wanted to fight for the marriage, but nothing said that she couldn’t fight for her marriage all on her own. It was likely that this wife knew what issues were the most troublesome to her marriage and she had the power to begin to really address them once and for all.
His Thinking About Dating Other People Could Mean He’s Evaluating If He Would Be Happier Single: Many wives in this situation will assume that their husband has a specific woman in mind when he utters these words. This is certainly a possibility, but it isn’t always the case. Sometimes, he isn’t thinking about in one in particular. Instead, he is wondering if he would generally be more happy with his life if he were single and not dealing with the drama that has become prevalent in your marriage. So, you have to decide how high a priority your marriage is to you. I know that this wife said that her marriage had been deteriorating for some time. This tells me that no one has really taken very decisive and sustained action to stop this spiral once and for all. So while you still have the time, it’s important that you understand that taking quick action might be the difference between saving your marriage or not. Because once a spouse starts seeing other people, saving your marriage becomes much more complicated.
How To Best Respond To This: The wife was at the loss as to how to respond. She was incredibly shocked and quite angry. While this is understandable, it’s very important to remain calm. But at the same time, you need to let him know that his cheating on you (because that’s what seeing other people would be) is not going to be accepted. A suggested response might be something like: “well, that hurts me very much because it tells me that your commitment to me and our marriage is wavering. I want to fight for our marriage but that’s going to be very difficult if you’re cheating on me. I’m asking you to remain faithful while we work together to save our marriage. I know that things have been rough for the past few months, but neither of us has been trying very hard to make real changes. I am committed to doing just that but I need your cooperation. I know that if we work together, we can bring back the happiness and fun in our marriage so that neither of us would need to look elsewhere. I want to bring the spark back so that we can have fun again. Will you help me make that happen?”
I find that if your conversation can show a husband what is in this for him, he will cooperate more. Often, if you hint that you will have fun again and he will get more physical intimacy, he is much more likely to be cooperative than if you focus more on how he has hurt you or on what you feel he is doing wrong.
When my husband started giving me hints that he wasn’t happy, I didn’t pay close attention. My life was extremely hectic and I assumed that our marriage would work itself out and get back on track by itself. This was a huge mistake. My husband got tired of never seeing any change and he eventually left me. Once he left the house, saving my marriage became much more difficult, until I finally found a plan that worked. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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