Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who find this site end up here because they are dealing with a husband who has asked for time away. He is often vague in this request. Sometimes, it isn’t clear if he wants time away from his wife, his marriage, his life, or all three. And not only is the wife understandably hurt, but she’s left wondering why her husband needs this time and what it means for her marriage.

She might say, “I will admit that my husband and I have had a very stressful few months. What we have been through has left us both reeling. However, I am left wanting to reach out even more to my husband. And his response is the opposite – he is pushing me away. To be honest, things were not great before we hit the rough patch. But now things feel awful. My husband has been very careful to say that I’ve done nothing wrong and that he feels like he needs some time to himself to regroup and regain his footing. But why can’t he do that with me around? He wants to stay with his friends. He said he may take a short trip by himself. When I ask him where he’s going and who is coming with him, he says he doesn’t have firm plans yet, but this whole thing feels evasive. It feels like he’s rejecting me and distancing himself from me and our marriage. How else am I supposed to take it when my own husband doesn’t want me around? What does all of this mean?”

I understand the fear and confusion you feel right now. When my husband asked for space, I honestly felt like I was being ruthlessly cut out of his life after all our years together. I panicked and reacted very badly, which lead to a separation. In truth, what this means and how it affects your marriage depends very much on the circumstances and on how you react to them. I’ll go over some possibilities below and will often some suggestions on how to handle each one.

Sometimes Time Away Is Benign As People Need Quiet In Times Of High Stress: This is obviously the best-case scenario. And it is most likely to occur when you’ve had no real issues in your marriage and you continue to feel close to your spouse. Sometimes, when we have a devastating event happen in our life, we need isolation to process what is happening. I took a weekend for myself when I lost a family member suddenly. In no way was this a rejection of my husband. I wanted to be surrounded by nature and quiet, and my husband was not in a position to drop everything and go with me. All the “time away” meant for my marriage was that we were apart for a few days. When I returned home, I was very glad to see my husband and vice verse. Sometimes, a short time away is a benign, rare event that has no lasting implications.

Other Times, Time Away Means That Your Husband Wants Space So He Can Evaluate His Life And What He Wants Moving Forward: Unfortunately, not all “time away” incidents are benign. When a spouse who has clearly been restless suddenly asks for space, time away, or a break, that can be somewhat worrisome. My own husband did this. I wish I could tell you that I handled it with calm compassion. But this just isn’t true. I argued, panicked, and tried everything in my power to make my husband think he was selfish and wrong to even ask.

Needless to say, he only became defensive and angry. That is what I mean when I say that the impact the time away has on your marriage depends on your reaction to it.

It is human nature to want to pull your spouse closer when you feel him pulling away. But when he’s seeking time alone, this can backfire and cause him to want even more space for even a longer period of time.

The Best Way To React When Your Spouse Asks For Time Away: How would you want your spouse to react if you needed time away due to a very trying situation? Would you want your spouse to create drama and make you feel selfish and mistaken? Or would you want your spouse to support you and rise to the occasion at the time you need him the most?

It never hurts to offer to go with your spouse if he will allow it. But if he won’t, I believe the best play is to support him and stress that you can and will provide whatever it is your spouse needs right now. You want him to think of you favorably when he’s away and set the stage for the two of you to be even closer when he returns.

I know that I am asking a great deal of you. It is incredibly scary to loosen your grasp when you feel him moving away from you. But if you refuse to give him this time, he will typically demand it and take it by force, which means that he’ll be angry and will think that you are trying to stand in the way of his wishes. Therefore, he’ll begin to think that he has to get away from you to get what he wants. This thinking only makes the situation much worse.

Ideally, you’ll try a very supportive stance like, “honey, I understand that you need some time. But I hate for you to be alone right now. I’m happy to go with you but hang back and give you some space. Would that work for you?” And ideally, he will accept.

If not, you still need to take a very supportive stance and be the rock that you’d like your husband to be for you. I honestly believe that sometimes, a wife’s panicked reaction to a request for time alone is worse than the request itself. At least that was true in my case. My overreaction meant that we separated and I had to work very hard to get to a place of reconciliation. This wasn’t easy, but we eventually reconciled and I learned some important truths about marriage and human nature that has made my life much easier.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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