Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people see separation as only a tiny bit different than a divorce. They assume that separated couples are practically divorced – or will be soon. So these folks are surprised when they see those same separated couples doing some of the things that they would normally do.

I understand the confusion. Even the separated couples themselves often aren’t sure what activities and behaviors should be off-limits to them, now that they are separated.

Someone might ask, “Now that my husband and I are separated, what happens? How do we function as a couple? Or do we even continue to see ourselves as a couple? This is tricky because he has promised me that we can try to work this out eventually. I’ve made it clear that I do not want a divorce. And he’s said that he will eventually be willing to see if our marriage is salvageable. But I’m not sure what this means for us right now. I’m never sure if I’m still supposed to share my innermost thoughts with him like I used to. I’m not sure how much I should be relying on him. I’m not sure how much I should expect from him. Since we’re separated and not divorced, how should we move through the world as a couple?”

Before I tell you my answer, I want to stress that I am not an attorney. I’m not going to be answering this from a legal perspective.

I’m going to be answering it from a personal and practical perspective as someone who has gone through it and come out (relatively unscathed) on the other side. 

I believe that you can do whatever is comfortable and acceptable to both of you as a couple. But I warn you that this is not as easy as it sounds.

Often, you have one spouse who wants very change and who wants to continue to function as a couple. And you have the other spouse who wants more freedom and the ability to try life on his own – at least for a little while. 

Below, I’m going to list the possibilities – and the things for which I strived during my own separation. Your spouse may or may not be agreeable to these, at least initially. That’s why you must adjust as you go. Don’t push too hard, but always reevaluate and move forward as you can.

Continue to be Involved In Each Other’s Lives and Emotional Well-being:  It was always clear to me, even when my separation wasn’t going well, that my husband and I were not divorced. I always figured that if he wanted me completely out of his life (and the life of his family and friends,) he would have just divorced me from the get-go.  

So I continued to check in on his mother. I continued to be close with his sister. And I checked in on him as much as he would allow. I still considered him my husband. I still attended events with him when he wanted or allowed me to. I still cheered him on, and I wanted to be there when he needed someone to listen. And I still wanted to be the first person he came to when something was bothering him.

I wasn’t stupid. I understood that we were separated. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t love him anymore or have any concern about what was happening with him.

Admittedly, sometimes, he didn’t WANT this from me, and I had to back away. But it was always my intention to continue to treat him like he was incredibly important to me unless he told me not to do so anymore.

Continue to Take Care of Joint Ventures and Goals:  There was a time when my husband and I weren’t living under the same roof, but we still both had an interest in our home. So he continued to do maintenance and take care of the chores that he always had.

I continued to take care of our bills in the way I always had. Again, I know that this won’t work for some couples. Sometimes, the husband doesn’t want the continued responsibility for the home. And I’m not saying that you have to or should force him.

But if he’s willing, I do think it’s helpful to continue to look at your joint ventures as “ours” instead of mine. After all, you are not divorced.  

I continued to think about our shared goals because I was determined that they weren’t going anywhere.

Couples Intimacy: This is going to mean different things to different people. Some couples take sex and physical intimacy off of the table and I certainly understand why. It can definitely confuse things and there is always the risk that one spouse will feel used while the other may feel manipulated.

But intimacy comes in all shapes and forms. It’s important that, if possible, you continue to be your spouse’s safe place to fall. He should still be comfortable sharing his thoughts and experiences with you. Your spouse should know that you are always there for him. 

As for yourself, you must should an emotional outlet. If your husband is willing to be that person, wonderful. If not, make sure you still allow someone to listen and be there for you. This could be a friend, coworker, family member, or therapist. But don’t keep things bottled up. Use a journal if you have to. And don’t isolate yourself because it is the worst thing that you can do. 

One more word about intimacy. This is usually one of the hardest goals to reach because intimacy is usually waning for separated couples. You will usually have to rebuild it from the ground up. And this is difficult when things aren’t all that great between you.

Don’t be discouraged. You will have to start slow and move gradually, but I am proof that this can be done. Accept and be grateful for small victories. Maybe today you’ll celebrate that you had a five-minute telephone conversation that went well. Or maybe he returned your text. Even when the victories seem small, you can use these tiny wins to accomplish more the next time. 

In short, I believe that you continue to do the things as a couple that makes you both comfortable. 

After all, to reconcile, you’ll need to be able to work closely together to address the core issues. You can’t do this if you are functioning solely as an individual. I learned the hard way that have to hang in there with crazy persistence when you want to save your marriage.  The story of how I did that is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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