Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It would be nice if your unhappy spouse would be one hundred percent forthcoming about how he is feeling and about what his marital intentions are moving forward. Often though, you don’t get this type of complete disclosure. Instead, you get a spouse who is telling you that he needs space and might move out while he’s reassuring you that your marriage might not be over.

A wife might say: “my husband has been acting very weird and distant for the last four months. Honestly, I was expecting him to serve me with divorce papers. Our closest friends recently got divorced and my husband has been commenting on how much happier they both seem to be. It just appears that my husband doesn’t think that being with me is what he needs. Last week, he told me that we needed to talk and I braced myself for the divorce talk. But it never came. Instead, my husband said that he didn’t want to live with me anymore in the short term. He said he felt as if our marriage were only treading water and that perhaps we would get some sort of insight by being apart. He said that he can stay in a guest room in the home of a male coworker. I don’t exactly know what to make of this. I asked my husband a couple of times if this meant that he was divorcing me and he said no. He said that he doesn’t want a divorce but that he doesn’t want to live with me right now either. What does this mean?”

Well, only your husband can give you complete insights about what he is thinking and what his intentions are, but it sounds as if he’s pursuing a trial separation in order to see how living apart from you will make him feel. Quite frankly, this is pretty common for couples who are struggling but who also are not yet at the point where they want to get a divorce.

I always find it encouraging when one or both of the spouses are clear that they don’t want a divorce. That doesn’t mean that they won’t eventually divorce if they can’t sort things out, but it is reassuring because some people separate from their spouse as the first step toward easing their spouse into a divorce. The fact that he is insisting that he doesn’t want a divorce is reassuring and means that he doesn’t see the future as set.

Many wives wonder where they go from here because they find themselves in a confusing time. Living alone can feel awkward, foreign, and scary. It can be difficult to classify what type of couple you are now – sure, you’re still married, but how committed can you really be if you’re living apart? Many people struggle with feelings of loss and rejection.

It may be reassuring to know that not all couples who temporary separate end up divorced. Many are able to work through whatever lead one of them to leave in the first place and reconcile. Often, this is the result of at least one spouse who is still very invested and who works tirelessly to keep the marriage together.  Some couples live apart but date one another while they rekindle the spark.   Living apart most certainly doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is over.  Some couples actually live apart some of the time and are very happy with this arrangement.  Some couples continue to live apart and continue on with their original marriage, finding that they really get the best of both worlds.

But to answer the original concern, if I had to guess I would speculate that this situation means that your husband feels that he needs some space to sort things out, but he doesn’t want to take drastic measures beyond this. He doesn’t think that things are so bleak between you that he feels the need to file for a divorce right now. And he may be hopeful that the time apart will help you figure out what you need to do to put your marriage back together again.

Of course, I’m only speculating. But I think that what this possible means for you is that you have some time. You don’t need to act in a panic mode. With the knowledge that he’s not intending to end your marriage right now, you have the luxury of observing and acting deliberately.

With that said, you don’t want to be complacent. There is always a bit of a risk in a separation. So it’s important to make sure that you see and communicate with your spouse regularly. Counseling is extremely helpful if your spouse will agree to it. But if he won’t, then there are things that you can do on your own to help the process along. But the worst thing that you can do is nothing while hoping that things will just work themselves out.

There was a time when my husband and I lived apart during a marital separation.  Frankly, I panicked and I made things much worse for myself.  Our separation lasted for more longer than I anticipated, but it was in part due to my own behavior because I was acting out of fear.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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