Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Over the last several months, I’ve heard from multiple people who feel like they agree about nothing with their spouse. Most of the time, it can be completely normal (and even healthy) to have differences of opinion with your spouse. But we are not living in normal times right now. It seems as if the world is becoming more and more divisive with each passing day. So it’s understandable that most of us want to feel as if we are standing in a united front with our spouse. More than ever before, we want our husband to agree with us on current events and important issues. So what does it mean when he doesn’t? Is our marriage in trouble or over? Is there anything that we can do about this? I’ll try very hard to answer these questions below.

A common comment today is something like, “my husband and I were never similar to one another. And for years, this has worked to our advantage. But lately, we can’t even watch the news in the same room without one of us blowing up at the other. It has become increasingly clear that our world views are complete opposites. I feel like right now, there are two types of people in the world. You have people who value decency and the greater good, and then you have people who want to deny the seemingly undeniable problems that are hurting all of us. My husband is in the second category. We can’t agree on anything at all right now. I see the world as irrevocably changing, and this troubles me. And he acts as if this is much ado about nothing. We never had huge marital issues before, but now it feels as if we don’t agree on how to raise our kids, spend our money, or cultivate our relationship. My husband basically thinks that most things will work out if you leave them alone and don’t make a big deal out of things. But to me, he is just sticking his head in the sand and denying reality. I feel like we are two very different people. I don’t want to lose my marriage, but I concede that it is going to be a challenge to live happily in a household that is so divided. What does it mean when you can’t agree on anything with your spouse?”

In my view, it means that you may have some challenges ahead, but it does NOT need to mean that you can’t overcome these challenges or that your marriage is over or doomed to be unhappy. I’ll share why I think so below.

Differences Of Opinion Or Personality Do Not Need To Doom Your Marriage: My grandparents were one of the happiest married couples I ever knew, and you could not find two people who were more different. My grandfather was always the center of attention, and a loud, towering man who was never shy about voicing his often controversial opinion. He was all business, both at home and at work. My grandmother was extremely small in stature and soft-spoken. I don’t think I ever heard her raise her voice or scold anyone, but she also worked tirelessly (and quietly) for causes that were important to her. Yet, she worked behind the scenes and never sought credit or attention. She was deeply religious, but my grandfather never attended church with her. And yet, they just worked as a couple, and were very happily married until my grandfather’s death.

Did she ever become annoyed with him and vice versa? Of course. But the one thing that they shared was a deep respect and love for one another. They knew that they were very different, but they were always going to be the same in their commitment to their family and their marriage. It is when you do not have the respect and the commitment that you may get into trouble (more on that a little later.)

Understanding And Honoring Where You Want The Same Things: Even couples who are polar opposites often want the very same things. They want to feel understood and accepted at home. They want a partner in crime – someone who always has their back in tough times. And they want to feel loved.

When your spouse disagrees with issues or stances that are important to you, it can feel as if they do not have your back. It can feel as if they, and the world, are against you.

But this is when you have to step back, disentangle yourself, and understand that disagreements aren’t personal. Just for a second think about how you’d feel if you had to PRETEND to believe something that you didn’t, just to keep the peace. It would kill your soul a little, wouldn’t it?

Now consider that asking your spouse to always agree with you is the same as asking him to pretend to believe something that he doesn’t. It might kill his soul in the same way.

I’m not saying that you have to swallow your feelings or shut down when you disagree. I’m suggesting that this process is much easier if you remember that couples can disagree and still deeply love one another and participate in strong, satisfying marriages.

The key is how you handle the differences and disagreements.

Giving And Receiving Respect When Disagreeing: Disagreeing with your spouse needn’t be a personal affront. And when you make it one, you only create much bigger problems than the disagreement itself.

The next time you watch the news and things begin to go sideways, try a comment like, “we are going to have to agree to disagree on this topic, but I know that we can agree that the news can be divisive sometimes. I’m not going to let it divide our family, and I hope that you won’t, either. Can we agree on that?”

Define The Nonnegotiable Things Upon Which You Can Agree: I believe that my grandparents had a successful marriage because they learned to compromise and they forged unbreakable agreements on the most important issues. Sure, my grandmother likely wished that my grandfather attended church with her. And my grandfather probably would have liked his wife to speak up every once in a while.

But both knew that they had a committed partner who always put their children, their marriage, and their home lives first. They always agreed that they would work hard, save their money, and invest in their community. The rest could be compromised upon or even ignored. But they were united where it mattered.

The rest wasn’t personal and, in the end, it didn’t matter.

Only fiercely negotiate the things that really matter to your marital bottom line.

All the rest is truly just white noise.

I don’t mean to diminish this issue. My husband and I are very different – so different that we separated for a while. But the separation showed me very clearly that so much that I had made into a big deal was really just fluff that didn’t matter in the end.

Don’t get lulled into thinking differences of opinion are major problems when you have the power to respect one another and negotiate.

If it helps, you can read about our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com, but don’t allow your differences to get you to that point.  We all need the solace of our marriages right now.

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