Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who realize, with a sinking heart, that they no longer deeply care about their spouse or what their spouse is feeling. Sometimes, this comes after a long period of personal or marital struggles and sometimes it seems to happen all of a sudden. But however it happens, it can bring out a good deal of worry about what this means for you and for the future of your marriage.

To that end, I might get a comment on my blog like: “my husband has been through a lot in the last five years. One of his siblings passed away, he developed some health issues, and his career hasn’t worked out how he had hoped. Ever since all of this has started happening, I have been nothing but supportive to be quite honest. I have tried to do everything in my power to be understanding and upbeat. I have listened while he talked. I have offered to work out with him to overcome his health issues. I have tried to get him to go to counseling. Most of the time, he resists me. And there are times when it seems that he is almost happier just being miserable. This brings me down. He always seems to have some crisis that I am supposed to deal with. And I have done that. But lately, when he comes to me with his various problems, I am finding that I just do not care. Honestly, last night I was looking at him, and I didn’t feel anything. Not pity. Not concern. Not even love or affection. What in the world does this mean? Does it mean that I don’t love my husband anymore? Does it mean that my marriage is over?”

This is only my opinion (which most certainly does not matter as much as your opinion,) but I don’t think that it has to mean either of those things. I do think that it can possibly mean that you are tired of always having to be the one giving the support and therefore you are sort of emotionally shutting down. When you feel as if you are always having to be the caretaker and the supporter, it can frankly be emotionally exhausting. And it can feel as if there is no one to support and listen to you. It can make you feel as if you aren’t getting much in return and this can be quite hard to deal with when you don’t see any end in sight. Of course, none of this means that there is no hope for your marriage. It could mean that you need to rearrange things a little so that it feels more fair and is easier to navigate.

Because I suspect that once the pressure is off and you no longer feel that your spouse is getting all of his emotional support and sense of well being from you, then you will be more free to feel and express concern and love. In other words, it will be easier to care because you too feel cared for. So now I will offer some tips on how to set it up so that you can get to this place.

Don’t Be Shy About Giving Yourself The Same Concern And Support That You Give Your Spouse: Women are natural caregivers. We are hard wired to want to make sure that everyone else is OK before we turn our attention to ourselves. But this can be backward. You can’t give what you do not have. So, if you are not properly supported and cared for, then you can’t be successful in offering the same to someone else. You have to give yourself permission to take very good care of yourself. No one else is going to do it for you. Schedule time for yourself so that you can do those things that are going to help you release stress and feel supported. This is hard for so many of us, but it returns huge dividends. When we take time for ourselves, we are better spouses and parents.

Encourage Your Spouse To Rely On Someone Other Than You, At Least Sometimes: It was obvious that this wife was doing the best that she could. But, her husband was dealing with some issues that were outside of her field of expertise. She was trying her best, but she wasn’t a doctor or a mental health professional and trying to address these issues when she wasn’t really qualified made her feel discouraged and ineffective. It’s always best to try to get your spouse help from someone who is appropriate to give it. This takes a lot of pressure off of you, but it also ensures that your spouse gets what he needs.

Teach Him How To Return What You Are Giving Him: Another thing which I felt would help this situation is teaching the husband how to better support his wife. Frankly, when you feel as if your support isn’t being reciprocated, you are less likely to be able to freely give your own support without at least a little resistance. That’s absolutely normal and understandable. But, if you can teach him to give you what you are giving him, then you will be more likely to be able to support him without reservation.

You may have to ask him for this. You might have to approach him and ask if he has a minute to just listen and support you. When he does do this, praise him and tell him how much it means to you to know that he has your back. Men don’t just naturally support us in this way because it’s often in their nature not to be caregivers whereas it’s in women’s nature not to ask for the support that we definitely need.

But to answer the original question, in this case the wife’s lack of concern for her husband could have meant that she was tired of giving him so much support without any reciprocation. It doesn’t always mean that you don’t love your spouse or that your marriage is over. Much of the time, it means that something is out of balance or needs some attention in your relationship. And often, if you can address these issues, the caring and concern comes back.

I think it’s good that you are noticing these issues as they crop up.  I ignored a lot of my martial issues until I could no longer do so and this was a huge mistake because once I paid attention, it was almost too late.  I was able to save my marriage, but it would have been an easier process if I have started earlier.  If it helps,  feel free to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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