What Does A Spouse Really Want When He Moves Out?
By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives try to follow their husband’s lead or attempt to read their husband’s cues when he has moved out and they are separated. Many wives figure that if they can just provide their husband with what he wants during this very short time, he will eventually return home. That is the goal, anyway.
But sometimes, it’s incredibly hard to figure out what he really wants. His words may say one thing, but his actions say quite another. One day he may be receptive to you, but you might act no different the next day and find that he is not so receptive anymore. You haven’t changed anything, but suddenly what used to work is no longer effective. It can be a huge challenge to figure out what he actually wants from you or from this separation.
A wife might have a complaint like this one: “when my husband told me that he was moving out, he indicated that he just felt like he needed to focus on himself. I asked him how much he wanted to be in contact, and he said maybe once or twice a week because, again, he wanted this to be about him and his self exploration so he could find himself again. This was very hard for me. I am used to talking to or seeing my husband every single day. But I tried to respect his wishes and I limited myself to calling him a couple of times per week. I thought that he would appreciate my respecting what he wanted. It doesn’t seem that way, though. Sometimes when I call him, he will indicate that things have happened that I’ve missed, and he insinuates that I don’t care enough to find out what’s happening with him. So after this, I’ll start to call more, but sometimes he is not happy with that either and acts like he needs more space. Some days, he seems to want my attention and affection and other days, he acts offended that I would even overstep the boundaries that he has already laid out. I really don’t understand what he wants from me. I’m trying really hard to follow along and act in the way he wants. But his cues are sometimes very contradictory. What does a man who has moved out for a separation really want?”
Why His Wishes Can Be A Moving Target: This can be very hard to quantify because, as you have seen, what a man says he wants and what he actually wants on any given day can be two different things. When my husband and I were separated, I used to be fond of saying that he clearly didn’t know what he wanted. I used to say that in a somewhat sarcastic way. But looking back now, I still think that this was true. And I think that this is typical of many people who initiate a separation – and not just husbands.
Why? Because people don’t always have very specific reasons for their separation and they also don’t have very specific goals during it. No, the reasoning is often very vague. They only know that they feel restless or “off.” So they are hoping that the separation makes them feel better instead of worse. This is sometimes the only goal or criteria that they have.
Often, they think that space or alone time is going to be the thing that makes them feel better. And so you go along with that. But then, they find that the space just isn’t providing the relief that they had hoped. And so, without communicating this to you, they suddenly want more contact, since the space isn’t cutting it. This creates conflict that no one deserves.
So then, many of us again try to follow along. We throw more contact his way, thinking that we are providing what he wants. But he isn’t always receptive to this, either. Why? Because for whatever reason, he isn’t just magically feeling better like he had hoped. And he’s actually frustrated with THAT lack, but he sometimes confuses things and takes his frustration out on us.
Why This Is A Frustrating Battle. (It May Be About Him Instead Of Being About The Marriage🙂 As I’ve already alluded to, I learned from unfortunate experience that you are often chasing something that you can’t catch. Your husband is expecting a break from the marriage or a change to make him happy. But it often doesn’t happen because he is looking for happiness and relief in the WRONG place. He has to find happiness from within or to make changes within himself. But he’s making EXTERNAL changes when he should be making INTERNAL changes. Of course, you can’t tell him this or he will get defensive and think that you are trying to shift the blame.
Where To Go From Here: Obviously, this is a very tricky situation and it can begin to feel like you just can’t win. If possible, I would put some of the burden of contact on him. He is the one best suited to determine how much contact he wants or needs at any given time, especially since it seems to change by the day. So the next time you talk and he indicates that you missed something, you might try: “I’m sorry to hear that. It seems like we keep getting our wires crossed. I was trying to be so careful and respectful to give you the space that you requested, but sometimes it seems like this is the wrong thing to do. It might be easier if you just contact me when you want to share something. You know that I’d love to hear from you any time. You can call me whenever you have something to tell me. That way, you have control over how much and how often we connect, you’re getting more of what you want, and I don’t have to guess as to what you want or need. You know that I’m only trying to do what I’ve been asked. But sometimes, I suppose I misread the cues. Can we try that?”
Now, we both know that you haven’t been misreading the cues, but you’re giving him an out here and framing this situation more kindly might increase the chance that he will take on some of this communication burden.
I know that this is very frustrating, but it is not uncommon. Men can begin the separation sure that they want one thing. But when that thing doesn’t make them happy, they change course over and over again until they realize that the changes need to come from within.
That’s not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t make any changes in your marriage that are needed. Often, separated husbands are looking for very specific changes to you or the marriage. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have self work to do also, although it can take them some time to realize it.
My husband and I both ended up doing some self work during our separation and I really think this transformed our marriage. Yes, our actual marriage DID have issues. But we were also both depending on the marriage to make us happy. And we both learned that we are both responsible for our own individual happiness. This made a huge difference and took off tons of pressure. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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