Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many couples attempt a trial separation instead of divorce in part because of their children. Many realize that the ideal situation means that children grow up in a home with both loving parents. Of course, this isn’t always possible. And many healthy, happy, and well-adjusted people have divorced parents. But, couples understandably want to try and make their marriage work for the benefit of their kids. But those same parents often are not sure what they should tell their children about the situation.

Someone might ask, “my husband is insisting on a trial separation. He acts as if this is some sort of consolation prize in lieu of divorce. But he’s giving me absolutely no choice in it. He doesn’t know if he will move out. I honestly think it all depends on whether he can find a cheap apartment that we can afford. However, he has clarified that this is all going to happen within the next couple of weeks. I am unsure about what to tell my children. We are in agreement that we want to protect them. My husband is a wonderful father. I trust that he will do what is right. I know that I too want to do what is right for my kids, but I don’t know what ‘right’ consists of. I wonder if I should prepare them for a divorce, just in case. I also worry that they will know something is wrong with me because I’m sad about this. What is the best approach?”

I can tell you my opinion, but I would strongly suggest that you ask a qualified counselor who is knowledgable about the aspects of your situation. There are often many variables to consider and everyone’s situation (and children) are different. The age and maturity of your kids are part of the equation also.

You Are Not Divorcing: Use the trial separation to your advantage. You are separating to shield your kids from the pain of divorce, so I’m not sure why you’d want to prepare them for a divorce that may not happen. Doing so will only make them worry about a reality that may never come true.

I told many family members and friends about my own trial separation and I later regretted doing so. Once my husband and I reconciled, I was ready to move on, but some people still wanted to talk about old grievances and sorrows. Some of my friends and family never forgave my husband, which changed the dynamic of my relationship with them. It was painful and it made me feel conflicted and torn. I loved my family. I loved my husband. And I mourned that these relationships changed.

Maintain All Relationships: Your goal should be for your children to maintain wonderful relationships with both of their parents. Telling them the details of your separation might change this important dynamic. That is why I would not involve them in your marriage unless you absolutely have to. There is no reason to worry them prematurely. With any luck, you will reconcile, your home will be happy again, and you will not have upset them.

Present A United, Loving Front: Whatever you tell your kids, you both should agree about what you will say and how you will say it. Telling your kids two different versions of the story is confusing to them and potentially damaging to you. Talk with your spouse about what you will say and then make sure you both stick to the same story. Also vow that you will say only positive, loving things about one another.

Make Family Time A Continued Priority: No matter what you tell your kids, they may see less of their dad while he is taking this time. Therefore, it’s vital to schedule family time where you can be together. You may opt for regular meals or fun activities, but make sure the kids know that you are still (and will always be) functioning as a family. Keep your husband informed about your kids’ lives, including school, friends, extracurricular activities, etc. so that he still feels like a very involved parent. If not, your kids will feel that void.

What You’ll Say: Again, I would strongly suggest working with a counselor who knows your unique situation, but if your husband will live with you, I don’t see the need to share a lot of details. If they notice that he is away more, you may just mention that dad needs a little more time to sort out some personal matters. If he will move out, then perhaps tell them that you have some adult issues that you are working on, but they needn’t worry.

They may worry anyway, which is why it is so important to present a united, positive front and show them two involved, loving and attentive parents who aren’t going anywhere.

I know that you feel you are going to be sad and you may be right about this, but, as best as you can, try to limit displays of sadness. I used to cry in the shower since it was only me who could see.

Sometimes, having to care for and worry about the well being of someone else is actually a blessing because it forces you to focus on something other than your own problems. You may not feel like putting on a happy, positive face for your kids, but once you do, you might find that you actually feel a little better. You may be “faking it until you make it” but sometimes faking it can actually lead you to feel the emotions that you are faking. At a time like this, that can be a blessing.

Above all, give yourself credit for putting your kids first.  Many couples go straight to divorce, but you didn’t make that choice because you are thinking of your kids.  That is to be commended. The next step is trying to save your marriage to maintain your happy family.  You can read more about how I saved my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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