What Do Men Do When They’re No Longer In Love With Their Wives? Which Options Will They Typically Take?
By: Leslie Cane: It’s a horrible feeling when you start to suspect that your husband isn’t in love with you anymore. It’s an even worse feeling when he doesn’t deny this when confronted, or, even worse, admits it. Once this reality sinks in, many wives ask themselves how their husband is going to proceed.
A wife might explain something like this: “for probably the past three years, I have felt my husband’s love for me slipping away. I think it started once I stayed home to care for our kids. I think he started looking at me in a different way. However, I told myself that in time, he would adjust and that our marriage would eventually recover. He didn’t, though. And the marriage didn’t, either. Instead, it got worse and worse. He started being somewhat cold to me. He stopped doing nice things for me. He rarely even seemed to notice me. The other night, I got upset and I told him that I didn’t think he loved me anymore. His response was that he loved me because I am the mother of his children, but he did admit that he was not ‘in love’ with me in the way he ‘used to be.’ I didn’t have the heart to ask him what he was going to do about this, but I can think of nothing else. I wouldn’t think he would be the kind of man to leave his family, but who knows? I’m sure that like most people, he thinks that he deserves happiness in life. What do men do when they don’t love their wives anymore? What options do they explore?”
Below, I will offer some of the most common ways that I see this play out. However, it’s almost impossible to predict how someone is going to react. Since you are the one who knows your husband best, you would probably be the best person to evaluate that.
They Sometimes Seek Fulfillment Outside Of Their Marriages: Many men who are still somewhat committed to their marriages (either because of family, finances, or other reasons) will try to get their needs met elsewhere, so that they don’t feel quite so unhappy or trapped. This will sometimes turn out to be an emotional or physical affair, but it doesn’t always have to be. Some men will turn to their friends, or their work, or their extended family. Wherever they turn, they may not be getting their physical, emotional, or social needs met by their wife or their marriage anymore.
They Eventually Pursue A Separation Or Divorce: Whether or not a man takes this step really does depend upon his commitment and patience levels. But some men eventually lose hope that the marriage will ever change, or they don’t have the patience to wait for the improvements. These men will eventually flee or come to believe that they would be happier if they ended or took a break from their marriage.
They Stay Put But Remain Miserable – Always Considering Leaving Or Making A Change: We’ve all known couples who are pretty unhappy in their marriages, who appear not to be in love anymore, but who are waiting on the kids to grow up are or waiting for their money situation to improve. This scenario probably isn’t a lot of fun. But if your marriage is still important to you, there is an advantage to this. Since both of you aren’t going anywhere, why not try to improve the marriage so that you are both happy again? It’s totally possible and plenty of couples do it, which leads me to my next point.
They Try To Improve The Marriage To Fall In Love Again: This is, in my opinion, the best case scenario, especially if there are children involved or at least one spouse is still invested in the marriage. Since you mentioned that things changed when you stayed home, at least you can point to a concrete shift. Because sometimes when circumstances change, the feelings follow. This is important because it can mean that the feelings can return if the circumstances are shifted. And by saying this, I don’t mean that you have to return to work. I’m just suggesting that you explore ways that you can encourage your husband to see you as an exciting woman with your own mind with meaningful contributions. Child rearing is not for the faint of heart. And honestly, having a family can be hard on your marriage. Anything that shifts the attention away from your spouse and your marriage can cause challenges.
But every marriage has its challenges. And you can always adjust. You can also shift your perceptions in order to make time for your marriage and for yourself. Staying home doesn’t mean letting go of who you are and what has always been important to you. Don’t be afraid to let the “you” that your husband has always loved come through again. He likely misses that woman very much. And if he saw and interacted with her once again (and on a regular basis) you may well find that his feelings for her have returned also.
I lived in fear that my unhappy husband was going to pursue a divorce. Instead, he pursued a separation. I don’t think there were many loving feelings on his part at that time. But with time, patience, and a plan, that love eventually returned and we reconciled. You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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