What Do I Call My Husband During Our Trial Separation? How Do I Refer To Him In Front Of Others?
By: Leslie Cane: Many people worry about etiquette during a trial or marital separation. They often aren’t sure who (or what) to tell about their situation. They often aren’t sure how to act around their spouse and around others. And, sometimes, they aren’t sure how to properly define their relationship to others, especially to strangers who don’t know the couple very well.
Someone might explain: “my husband and I have been separated for the entire summer. Our marriage was struggling and we both agreed that we should take some time for ourselves. The hope has always been that we would eventually get back together and that he would move back home to be with me and our two kids. Things are going reasonably well. But sometimes awkward occasions make me hate the separation. Like the other night, we were at an orientation for my son’s new school. I was talking to his new teacher when my husband walked up to us. I wasn’t sure how to introduce my husband. So I just excused myself. This has happened before at a social gatherings. I usually just try to avoid introductions but it’s not always possible. So what am I supposed to call my husband while we are on a trial separation? What’s the right way to handle this?”
I Think That The Best Plan Is The One That Makes You Both The Most Comfortable: I’m not sure that there is any official or correct way to handle this. I think that whatever feels comfortable to you both is the right way to go. Because quite honestly, it is no one else’s business what is going on in your marriage. When my husband and I were separated, I still called him (and introduced him) as my husband. Because in my mind, he still was. We were not yet divorced (although that was a distinct future possibility at that time.) If a divorce had been final, then of course I would have called him my ex husband but thankfully that was never the case. My close friends and family knew about the separation, but I didn’t feel that anyone else needed to know.
I know that some people will say “my separated husband,” and if this is what you have agreed to and you both are fine with this, then that’s your call. But to me, unless anyone has explicitly asked you if you’re separated, why would you need to volunteer that information, especially if you are still hopeful about your marriage? I think that doing so is probably only adding more uncertainty to an awkward situation.
When Children Are Involved, You Can Introduce Your Spouse As The Child’s Parent: In the above scenario, the children of this couple were close by. I think the best call (if she didn’t want to call him her husband) would have been to just introduce him as her son’s father. For example, if her husband’s name were John and her son’s name were William, she could say, “Mrs. Jones, this is William’s father, John.” That way, your marital status hasn’t come up or become an issue and you haven’t made anyone uncomfortable.
Sometimes, This Issue Means More To You Than To Others: People often ask me if this isn’t just creating future confusion. They will ask what happens if you end up divorced in six months? Wouldn’t people want to know why you were still introducing this person as your husband while you were separated and potentially heading for divorce?” I think that this is probably reading too much into it. I believe that most people would understand that you were still hopeful that your marriage could be saved. And hopefully, they will be more concerned with your well being than about how you previously made introductions. In short, most people aren’t worrying about this as much as you are. And, this is only my opinion, but I think that whatever makes the both of you the most comfortable is fine. It’s really about the two of you and no one else.
There were people who were pretty nosy during my own separation. But most of the time, no one cared nearly as much as I did. But it took me a while to realize this and to just focus on my husband and myself without worrying about what others thought. If it helps, you can read about how I changed my outlook in order to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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