Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are the one who has been fighting desperately to keep your spouse from pursuing a separation, then you’re usually searching for any indication that he may not go through with it. You’re looking for signs that he might be losing his resolve, is struggling with his reasoning, or may be a bit confused about his feelings.

A wife might ask about a situation like this one: “when my husband first told me that he wanted a separation, he already had it all planned out. He had narrowed his apartment search down to a handful of places and he had already prepaid the mortgage months in advance so I wouldn’t have to worry about it while he was gone. He also hired a lawn company so I wouldn’t have to mow the yard. At that time, it was pretty obvious to me that he seemed sure that this is what he wanted. He honestly didn’t seem to have a lot of doubts. But after a few weeks, he still hadn’t moved out. I asked him why and he said he was still making arrangements. More weeks went by. The lawn people had started doing the lawn, but he still didn’t move out. I stopped asking why. I’m just glad he’s still here. Some days he is genuinely sweet and loving to me and I will think that maybe we aren’t getting separated after all, but then I’ll overhear him telling a friend that we’ll be separated soon. However, the next day he’s back to acting like he’s very married and somewhat happy. I don’t understand all of this. Is it possible that he is confused about what he wants? What are the signs to look for to indicate that this might be true?”

I think that there is a perception that when someone asks for a separation, they have spent a lot of time thinking it through and that they know without any doubt that this is what they want. This perception isn’t always true. Even people who feel that it would be best to separate have nagging doubts about it. Many people truly struggle with whether or not it is the right thing to do. I hear from very few people who are pursuing a separation without any conflicting feelings at all. Below, I’ll list some typical signs that the spouse who is pursuing a separation might have some doubts or confusion about it.

Wanting To Take Care Of You Or Make This Easier For You: A spouse who still cares very much will often try to pre arrange things so that your life is as easy as it can possibly be while he’s not around. An example is your husband pre paying the mortgage and getting lawn service. He may also ask friends or family to look out for you. He may have mutual friends check in.

A Changing Attitude Toward You From One Day To The Next: Spouses with conflicting feelings have a hard time hiding this. That’s why they may be combative or distant one day and loving and affectionate the next. You are experiencing on the outside what they are feeling on the inside. And their feelings are fluctuating. This is also why you may not see them taking decisive action, which leads me to my next point.

They May Be Dragging Their Feet When It Comes To Actually Leaving The Home Or Separating: Spouses who are very sure about their desire to separate will often move out quite quickly. In fact, many of them don’t even give you much warning before they are gone. The fact that it has been weeks and he’s still home could very well be a good sign.

Suggestions On How To Handle This: A confused spouse can be a good sign when you don’t want to separate. However, I can’t tell you his confusion means that he won’t eventually move out or that you won’t eventually separate. Spouses with conflicting feelings will still sometimes move forward anyway, so the goal should be to try to set it up so that he does not actually move out.

I know that it’s tempting to demand that he stop being so indecisive and wishy washy. I know that it might be very tempting to say: “I’m tired of not being sure what tomorrow is going to bring. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know what’s going to happen with my marriage. Are we separating or not?” You’d have a right to ask this, but I don’t think it’s the best strategy. He might get frustrated and move out just to stop the questions.

I think that the better tactic is to try to improve things between you so that he doesn’t feel the need to move out. You don’t want to overdo this though. Because if you come on too strong about it, then any improvements and changes may not seem genuine and he may think that you’re only making the changes so that he doesn’t move out. Instead, try to be supportive, casual, and accommodating without seeming desperate or manipulative. You want him to know that you don’t want him to go and that you’re willing to work on your marriage, but you don’t want to seem so desperate that he doubts your sincerity.

Things would have been much easier for me if my husband had never moved out in the first place.  I did eventually get him back.  But it was a lengthy, painful and difficult process before things turned around. You can learn more about that process (along with the setbacks) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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