Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have a strong hope that one day soon, their separated husband is going to come back to them. Perhaps they have been getting some positive signs from him. Or perhaps that have consciously chosen to have an upbeat attitude and to be optimistic. Whatever the reason, they are sort of waiting for the day that he will come back. But, since they can’t know when this is going to be, it can feel as if they are in limbo – just sort of waiting. And sometimes, you don’t quite know what to do with yourself during this process. You tell yourself that you will keep busy. But in truth all you do is pull out the old photos or stare at the phone. You probably intuitively know that this isn’t the most healthy way to spend your time, but you can’t quite stop.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me after our attempts at reconciliation didn’t work. He hasn’t filed for divorce and has told his mother that he doesn’t have any intentions of doing so any time in the near future. His mother told me that she believes that if I am patient, he is going to come back at some point. She says she can’t believe that our marriage would end. I have decided that since I don’t really have much of a choice, I’m going to assume that she is right and that at some point, he will come back. But I am so antsy waiting on this. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. My husband and I did everything together. And I feel bored and restless without him. I feel like I’m just waiting for something, but I don’t know for how long. What am I supposed to do with myself while I’m waiting for him to come back to me?”

You May Have To Force Yourself To Keep Busy, But It Is Worth It: I know that this is hurtful. I went through this also. And, I’m pretty ashamed and embarrassed to admit it, but there was a period when I truly didn’t leave my house very much except for work or school. My friends tried to ask me to go places with them, but I just honestly never felt like it. I loved them for caring about me, but I didn’t feel like being in anyone’s company. I knew that I was a downer to be around. I didn’t want to bring anyone else down with me.

However, this got a bit old. Even in my sad state, I was able to see pretty clearly that my actions weren’t helping me. I knew that I need to get out and keep busy but it was true that I didn’t feel like it. So, I had to force myself. Was this fun? Not at first. It took an awful lot of effort. In fact, I had to ask a couple of my friends to not take no for an answer when I tried to decline their invitations. But the more I forced myself to keep active, the easier this became. And it was helpful on so many levels. First, it made the time go by much faster. It put a smile on my face because I could feel the love from my friends. And also, it showed my husband that I still had self respect and I wasn’t just waiting around for him to come to a decision.

Improve Yourself In A Way That Interests You: You may be able to connect the dots and see a correlation between your separation and a personal issue that you may need to work on. I won’t say that this is always true, but it often is.  Sometimes, it is your spouse’s issues that are the main culprit for your separation. Regardless though, every one has areas in their life that they would like to improve. During my separation, I did do some individual counseling. At first, my intent was to have the counselor to help me cope. But in the end, she ended up helping me identify some personal issues that were holding me back in many areas of my life, including my marriage. This was incredibly helpful on many different levels. I also revisited hobbies that I used to love but never had time for before. I got a dog. I did some volunteer work with that dog. All of these things helped me to become more self aware, more grounded, and more giving. All of these things were worthwhile to me regardless of what happened with my marriage. The fact that these things actually helped my marriage was an added bonus.

Don’t Think Of It As Killing Time. Think Of It As Found Time To Be Spent Investing In Yourself: It’s easy and normal to think that you have to just grit your teeth and endure this time that you are waiting. It’s normal that you can’t wait until it’s over. But you know what that frustration does? It makes the time go by so slowly. It makes every day seem like a chore. And you deserve better than that. Try to see this as an opportunity to invest in yourself and to take care of all those loose ends that you haven’t had time to address before. See it as found time that gives you a unique opportunity to become the best version of yourself. If you do these things, than you’ve actually made this work for you rather than it being something that you just have to endure. And this means that when he does come back, this will be helpful to your marriage as well.

I hope that this wasn’t discouraging because I know how it feels to be waiting while you are also antsy and bored.  But I promise that if you put yourself out there, the waiting will get better and not seem to drag on.   If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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