Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who had assumed that their separation would be over by now. Many had timelines in their mind and, by their calculations, their spouse should already be back. Much of these time, these folks want to know for how much longer they have to wait.

I might hear a wife say: “my husband and I have already been separated for three months, but it feels like forever. When my husband went to stay with friends, he told me that he was only going to be gone a short time to clear his thoughts. So I really expected for him to be gone for two weeks, tops. Well, it’s been three months. And every time I ask him what is taking so long, he just tells me that he’s not ready to come home yet. Well, when is he going to be ready? How many months does it take a separated husband to come home?”

I wish I could give you a very specific, and a very accurate, time line. But I can’t. Some men come home quite quickly. Some men never come home. It really just depends on the situation, the man, and how well the two of you have been able to address the situation that contributed to him thinking that he wanted to leave in the first place.

It’s Not Necessarily The Time Frame That Matters.  It Is The Healing: Many people assume that if a man leaves and returns quickly, this is the best case scenario. Although it alleviates the uncertainty and the loneliness fairly quickly, it isn’t always the best route, at least in terms of your marriage. Because those very quick separations leave very little time for working through your problems or for healing. Some people who return quickly are only responding to the fact that they miss their spouse or they miss being home. But they are not responding to the fact that the issues have been worked through.

My point is that it’s not always right to assume that the longer the separation, the less hopeful the outcome for the marriage or the more the couple still love one another.

My own separation lasted for months. I assumed that this was a very bad sign. Family members told me that it was clear that my husband was no longer invested in me and that I needed to cut my losses and move on. I knew that these folks were probably right, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I really knew that I wasn’t ready to give up. And, despite our very long separation (at least it felt that way in my own mind,) we are still married today and many of the changes we made during our separation ensured that our marriage is much-improved.

So it’s advisable to not worry too much about the time line. I know it’s hard when he’s gone. I know that you want him home. But you are better off worrying more about what improvements you have been able to make to yourself, to your life, and to your marriage than you are worrying about how many days it has been since he has left.

Because the bottom line is this. Most husbands come home once they are satisfied that the dissatisfaction that they had before is gone. Either the husband realizes that he was mistaken in the first place or he comes to believe that the problems have been addressed so that he doesn’t have to be dissatisfied anymore.

Sometimes this happens quickly and efficiently and sometimes it takes quite a bit longer. But I believe that it’s a potential mistake to think that all you have to do is wait a certain amount of time and that he’s going to come back automatically after a certain time frame. Because this isn’t always guaranteed.

People evaluate during separations. They change course. They change their minds. They may decide to go another way or they may decide that they are no happier without their spouse than they were with them.

I know that this sounds bleak and unfair, but you have more control than you think. You have control over how things go when you see and talk to your husband. And your interactions with him influence how he sees the situation and whether or not he wants to come home. That’s why you’re much better off trying to make sure this conversation is pleasant rather than demanding to know why it’s taking him so long to come home. When you do this, you’re likely contributing to him being gone even longer.

I understand losing your patience when you want for him to come home.  But try to see it in the long term.  It is better to have patience and have him home for good than it is to rush it and have him still be unhappy or worse, to leave again.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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