We’re Separated But He Says He Still Wants Me In His Life In Some Capacity.
By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when we are separated, we honestly believe that we have unwillingly taken the first step toward a divorce. Despite our wishes, desires, and beliefs, we’re worried that a separation is just another word for “the beginning of the divorce process.”
We assume that our husband is just trying to get rid of us, or our marriage, in a very gradual way. And this hurts. That’s why it can be such a relief when our husband reassures us that this is not the case, even if he stops short of saying that he’s willing to reconcile or attempt to save our marriage.
Sometimes, we get to the point where any reassurance is welcome. But it does create confusion when he tells us that he still wants us to have a role in his life, but he isn’t sure what that role will look like.
Here’s an example. A wife might recount: “my husband and I have been separated for almost three months. For the first week, we did not speak at all. When my birthday came and went, he did not even ask to spend the day with me and he only bought me a card. So as much as things have deteriorated, I was honestly very afraid that we would be divorced within six months time. Well, I was very surprised when my husband asked me to dinner a few weeks ago. Things went well. We had a nice time and have seen each other a couple of times since. I made a comment at dinner that if we were to eventually divorce, I would miss having him in my life. His response to me was: ‘I always want you in my life in some capacity. You are too important to me not to be.’ I wasn’t sure what that meant so I asked him to clarify. He said that he honestly didn’t know what he meant. He said he wasn’t sure how I would be in his life because there was no way to see what was in the future. But that he wanted me in his life. I’m embarrassed to say how happy and relieved I was by this. But then I talked to one of our mutual friends and she pretty much shot me down and said that this really isn’t great news. She said that theoretically, he could just have me in his life as an acquaintance when we are divorced and maybe he just said these words so that I would stop being so needy. Needless to say, this took the wind right out of my sails. Should I be reassured by this? Or does it mean nothing?”
I would certainly find it reassuring. Honestly, the whole time that I was separated, something similar to what your husband said became my mantra. I did not want the separation at all, and I told my husband that I had no idea what the future held for us. But I said that regardless of how our relationship was defined, he was so important to me that I wanted him in my life in some way. Of course, I used this as an “in,” so that I would have access to him. But I truly meant every word of it. I was willing to redefine the relationship – if I had to – if that meant I didn’t have to truly say goodbye.
Luckily, it did not come to that. I am still his wife and expect to always be. But if either of us had pushed to define those roles instead of taking a “wait and see” approach, I believe it’s possible that we may not be married today. I think that my husband needed that time (as he kept insisting) to evaluate what he truly wanted.
Try To Not To Push Too Hard: So yes, I think that what your husband has said is encouraging. But while I know it’s tempting to push for him to define that role, I think it might be a mistake. From my own experience, you’re better off enthusiastically taking what is offered at the time and using it as a gradual stepping stone into making it something more.
My best suggestion would be to keep continuing on in the way that you are. You indicated that things are going better between you. Keep making strides. Keep having fun together. Take what is given but don’t push. Keep building up to more. If you can do this, he should not be defensive and he should be more receptive. And eventually, you should find that without your having to push or put your progress at risk, you will just naturally find your role defined as his wife who is now reconciled.
When we are separated and afraid, it’s only natural to want affirmation that we won’t end up divorced. It’s only natural to push for more. But when you have a husband who wanted a break or space, pushing creates a risk. If he’s saying things to give you hope – however small – I wouldn’t create risk when I didn’t need to.
In my own case, I took the ‘always have a role in my life’ directive and I held on for dear live. Sometimes, it was the only thing that kept me going. And it is one reason that, after a long and hard separation, I am still married today. You can read more about that reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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