Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you are dealing with a martial separation and it is taking longer than you had hoped, you really only have two choices.  You can wait and can continue to live with uncertainty for a while.  Or you can decide that you are tired of waiting and can move toward making the separation more of a permanent situation, thinking that at least this would be a resolution that would allow you to move on with your life.  I think that most people can see the validity of both decisions.  It truly is up to the individual to decide what is best for them.

However, some people worry about what others think if they decide to stick it out and wait – especially if it is the actions of the other person that brought about the separation.  Others worry that they are stupid or naive for waiting. Someone might ask: “my husband is in the midst of a midlife crisis.  This has been going on for almost a year.  So I am worried that this is no longer just a passing phase.  I am worried that these changes in my husband’s personality are going to be permanent. Frankly, ever since he started with this midlife crisis, he has acted as if our marriage brought him down.  Things got so bad that he moved out and initiated a separation.  It has been several months and things have not gotten any better.  People keep asking me when I’m filing for divorce.  The thing is, I do not want to file for divorce.  Somewhere within me, I can’t help remembering my husband and my marriage before all of this happened.  We were happy.  He was a great person.  He has mentioned perhaps getting counseling, although he has not acted upon it.  I keep thinking that if he would just do this, maybe then he would snap out of his funk and we could eventually get our marriage back on track.  Some of my friends are offering me some ‘tough love’ and are telling me that they can’t sit back silently and watch me throw my life away for a man that hasn’t reciprocated my concern.  They say that it doesn’t appear that my husband plans to break away from his midlife crisis any time soon.  And that I am a fool for just waiting around?  They say that I am still young and could still attract another husband.  But that if I wait, my best years are going to pass me by.  Are they right? Am I absolutely stupid for waiting?

You are NOT stupid.  No one is stupid for wanting their marriage to work out.  Committed and patient, yes.  Stupid, absolutely not.  I was separated for far longer than I wanted to be (because my husband was unsure of his feelings.)  And I had plenty of people telling me that I should not wait and should cut my losses.  This hurt me more than I can express.  Because I knew that everyone was acting out of love for me.  And yet, their kindness and concern actually made me feel worse about myself and about my situation.  People seem to think that you can just move on and replace your husband with another one, like a pair of worn out socks.  But for many of us, it’s not that easy, or even that possible.  I did not want a new husband.  I wanted my old one.

I finally firmly and gently told people that while I appreciated their concern, sticking it out was my decision and that I wanted to talk about other things. Basically, I took the topic of my marriage (and separation) off the table. That meant that I didn’t share my marriage with others, but I did talk to professionals and journal to release my feelings, which is very important.

I suppose it’s sort of easy for me to conclude that I wasn’t stupid to wait for my husband because now we are reconciled. However, I think that even if we had ended up divorced, I would still feel that it wasn’t stupid.  I believe in commitment.  I believe in giving things time.  If my husband had eventually divorced me, I still would not have thought I was stupid or that I was wasting my time because I would have known that I did everything that I could to save my marriage.  And that is important to me.  I don’t want to think of myself as someone who just walks away.

Granted, waiting doesn’t ensure that you will be able to save your marriage.  But if you are not ready to move on, whose business is that but yours? That said, it’s not healthy to get in a situation where you’ve put your life on hold and are not truly living because you are doing nothing other than waiting.  That is not healthy, either.

I think that you can do both.  I think that you can wait to see what is going to happen with your husband and your marriage while pursuing your own best life, considering the circumstances.  I pursued hobbies and outside interests and went out with friends during my separation.  I worked on myself.  I did not put my life on hold (except for in the beginning, when I really struggled, which you can read about here.)

If you are living your life and are engaged with things that are important to you, then it should not be detrimental for you to wait for a while.  I think that what your friends are most concerned about is your putting yourself – and your own contentment – on hold while you’re just idly waiting for your husband.  But if you can show them that you have no plans to be idle, perhaps this will help them to show a little more patience and compassion.  Because you deserve nothing less.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin