Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It always seems like an advantage when both separated spouses agree that they’d ultimately like to make their marriage work. Sure, they’re aware that the process is going to take effort, patience, and compromise. But half the battle is being on the same page. In my experience and observation, you have a higher hill to climb when one spouse wants to work things out, and the other does not. 

That said, it isn’t always smooth sailing when both people intend to make their marriage work. The spouses can disagree on how to get from conflict to compromise. They can disagree on the issues themselves. And one may be more willing to meet in the middle than the other. If you’ve ever negotiated something that is very emotionally important to you, only to be disappointed and hurt with the outcome, then you have a tiny taste of how upsetting it can be when you both want to work things out but find yourself thwarted when you attempt to get there. 

A wife might say, “Before my husband moved out, we agreed that we ultimately wanted to try to make our marriage work. My timeframe was more hurried than his. He is in no hurry to do anything, but I did believe that we wanted the same thing. I’ve tried to be patient. After a couple of months, I finally asked him if we could start working on our marriage. I wanted to find a counselor and work very methodically. My husband feels that we can just “talk things out.” He has asked our pastor to pray with us, but that is not counseling. And “talking things out” did nothing to help us avoid a separation. We made no progress with that strategy. But when I point this out, my husband acts as if I am being difficult. I haven’t said it, but I feel that he’s the one being difficult. His attitude is detrimental toward us reconciling. To get that done, we need to spend increasing amounts of time together. But if I have to guilt him into making good on his promises, I don’t look forward to this process. I’m already sick of this. He’s already on my nerves. His attitude is dooming us to failure before we even get started. Sometimes I wonder if he’s sincere about working it out. What now?”

I have a definite opinion about this. And I will warn you that it may sound weird or unconventional. But I used it myself, and it ended up working quite well for me. In fact, I think it was probably one of the few strategies that could have worked. It’s simply this. “Working” on your marriage needn’t feel like work – especially at first. 

Why Your Strategy May Be Doomed Before You Even Start:  If your spouse is already starting to get on your nerves, that’s a good sign that it may not be an ideal time to start dissecting your marriage. Your spouse might hear everything you say as criticism, and you might see his reluctance to do things your way as a reluctance to move forward toward reconciliation. Neither of these things is true, but that doesn’t always matter. Belief is sometimes reality.

The bottom line is that with your marriage a bit fragile with the separation, you need to set it up so that you gain momentum and see continuous success, no matter how small. 

When you meet resistance, take this as a sign to regroup and try something more easily achievable. Don’t keep pushing until he’s openly resisting or working against you. 

When Working On Your Marriage Doesn’t Look Like Work At All:  This might sound silly, but your most persuasive goal right now should be to get to a place where you’re happy to see your husband, and where your communication feels more effortless, natural, and affectionate. You certainly don’t need to be romantic again yet. But you want to reestablish a playful rapport. 

So go someplace together where you can just enjoy yourselves. Talk about topics about which you can laugh or reminisce. In other words, take the “work” off the table for a while. Just reconnect. Just let down all the negative feelings and pressure.  

Keep it low key, inexpensive, and easy. This is a very achievable way to improve your communication and compromise. Once you’re relating easily to your spouse again, then you can very gradually begin to truly “work” on your issues in the spirit of compromise.

Go Into It Knowing That You’ll Each Have To Give To Get:  I can save you a lot of time and frustration by telling you that no one’s separation and subsequent reconciliation goes in the way they expect it to go. Your spouse will disappoint you at some point. You’ll say something you regret. But you can compensate for these things (at least somewhat) by approaching this in the spirit of compromise and accepting less than perfection. 

What matters is that you are working together on a shared goal. You won’t always agree on the best way to get there. But if the commitment and the love are still there, and you throw in some flexibility, compromise, and patience, none of this is impossible. 

Don’t Be Afraid To Try Something New: Your husband’s behavior might be frustrating right now. But see if changing the strategy will change his behavior. Once he’s no longer feeling quite so pressured or judged, he may relax and fall into a more agreeable pattern. As you re-establish a playful relationship, you may once again see the version of your husband that you fell in love with. And he may see a much less “difficult” and judgmental version of yourself. 

I am not being critical. I know firsthand that no one is at their best when they’re afraid of the thing they love the most coming to an end. I am not proud of some of the things that I said and did during my own separation, and I think my husband would say the same.

But what ultimately mattered is that we eventually got it together and we reconciled. It wasn’t in the way we thought, and it was a bit unconventional. (The rest of that story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com ) But we’re still here. And that is what counts. 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin