Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some folks are pleasantly surprised with how their marital separation is shaping up. Many had braced themselves for the worst and were afraid that the separation would actually lead to a divorce. So the fact that things have improved can be a huge relief. But it can also leave you with more questions than answers.

As an example, a wife might say: “ I fought my husband tooth and nail about getting a separation. I was so scared of allowing him to move out. But he insisted and said I could choose between a separation or a divorce. So I really had no choice. I suspected that things were going to get even worse between us because of my fear and my resentment. But, much to my surprise, things have actually improved. In fact, we actually get along much better since he moved out. He seems to look forward to seeing me and he appreciates me more. Our relationship has actually become fun again and we’re flirting up a storm. But I’m left wondering how I should proceed. I’m thrilled we’re connecting again, but obviously, we can’t go on like this forever. Eventually, he will have to move back home and I’m afraid that once he does, things are going to be back to the way they were and that our dull, damaged marriage is going to return. What is the best way to proceed when your marriage is actually better since you’ve separated?”

This is not an uncommon question. People often assume that a separation is just the first step on the path to a divorce, but this is most certainly not the case. Plenty of people actually see an improvement in their relationship and some of those couples even end up saving their marriage. But, if you are one of the lucky couples seeing this type of improvement, it’s important that you don’t move too quickly and that you capitalize on the improvements that you are seeing. Below, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle this situation.

Relish In Your Success, But Don’t Take This For Granted: Of course, you’re going to be thrilled that suddenly you and your spouse are connecting and flirting again. This is so much preferable to avoiding each other or constantly fighting while you’re separated.

But as good as this can feel, make sure that you realize that if you don’t make any changes to whatever caused your separation in the first place, then you run the risk of the same old problems resurfacing when you attempt to reconcile or when he moves back in.

Right now, things are probably good because you’re only focused on the chemistry and improvements between you that naturally occurs when you miss one another. I don’t blame you. No one wants to dwell on their problems when things are going well. But just make sure that after you have reconnected, you eventually visit what issues brought you here in the first place.

Don’t Rush Things And Risk A Relapse: Many people will see these improvements and think that this means they should immediately get back together or that they should hurry up and ask their spouse to move back home. They don’t want to live apart from their spouse for even one more day. Here’s what you have to remember. As good as things appear to be right now, you probably shouldn’t risk knocking over your house of cards by pushing for too much too soon. You have the rest of your life to live with your spouse and participate in your marriage. So make sure that it’s right before you have him move back in.

Because quite frankly, right now you’re likely in a bit of a honeymoon period brought about by the risk of losing each other. However, once your spouse moves back in and you try to move on as a married couple, you lose that feeling of scarcity that is helping you bond right now. So you won’t be in any hurry and you don’t want to rush things. If things are that good between you, why not build on that rather than taking a risk before you are really sure? There is nothing wrong with continuing on as you are, especially when you are enjoying yourself so much. Your path will likely become clear at some point. But right now, you’re both enjoying yourselves and want to see more of each other, so why rock the boat early in the game? Forbidden fruit can be much sweeter, so I often advise couples to savor this for as long as they can because doing so will often help a lot in your recovery.

Make Sure Things Are As Good And As Clear As They Can Possibly Be Before One Of You Moves Back In: Your real goal should be to set it up so that when the two of you move back in together and make a go of it as a married couple again, you are giving yourself the best chance of success. So don’t gloss over the real issues or allow your trouble areas to lay in wait. When your relationship is strong enough to withstand it, explore these issues in positive ways. Hopefully, the bonding and reconnecting that you have been doing will make your problems seem much smaller and therefore more manageable. And often, when you are getting along so well, you can approach the problematic issues in a more playful and light-hearted way to that you really can solve them and move on for good.

I’d like to make one final point. Remember that you are in a good situation. Many couples actually regress or fight more when they are separated. So the fact that you aren’t is a wonderful thing and it allows you a wonderful opportunity to enjoy and relish this time without rushing or worrying.

How do I know this?  Because I made the mistake of rushing things in my own separation and this made my job so much harder.  When I finally got my husband to be receptive to me again, I took it super slow so that he was the one who was asking me to move back home.  This made a huge difference in our ability to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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