Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most people going through a separation know that it’s common for there to be one spouse who does not love or is not “in love” with the other. Usually, you have one person who is sure they still love their spouse, while another is claiming not to feel anything anymore. Sometimes though, there are couples who will tell you that neither of them are in love. Perhaps this started with one person and the other eventually followed suit. Or, maybe the marriage has been stale for a while, and both people stopped trying so that eventually, nothing was left.

Still, many people are committed to making things work regardless because they have children, because of financial issues, or because they just believe that marriage should be forever so the best course of action is to just stick it out after making things better.

Don’t Settle for A Loveless Marriage:  Even people who want to save their troubled marriage usually intuitively know that they deserve better than to live in a loveless marriage. No one enjoys going through the motions or being with someone who you suspect doesn’t love you while you also know that the feelings are mutual. Worse, many of these couples believe that this the best that they can hope for. Many of them search for tips for “surviving” in a loveless marriage or help in coping with what they feel is not going to change.

I find that most people believe that once you “fall out of love,” there’s no turning back, as if those feelings are akin to magic fairy dust of which you only get one sprinkle. I’m living proof that this isn’t the case. And I’ve seen many couples in the same situation turn their marriages around so that both loved and felt loved by the other. I firmly believe that you don’t have to settle for a loveless marriage if you’re willing to be proactive. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Determining Why You Don’t Love Each Other Anymore: Some of the troubled marriages about which I’m speaking involve a distinct conflict like infidelity, crisis, or money. But, much of the time, what’s happened is that the marriage grew cold so that eventually both people began to withdrawal and retreat. As the result, no one was invested in the marriage and working to maintain it. In short, it’s like a garden that has been long neglected and rather than weeds choking out the flowers that grow there, neglect is choking out the positive feelings which used to define the marriage.

But couples very rarely are able to draw this correlation. Instead, they think that they’ve lost their chemistry, that they are no longer compatible, or that they’ve become so familiar with one another that the marriage is no longer exciting or fulfilling.

They don’t draw any correlation to realize that the effort that is being put into the marriage influences the feelings that are coming out of it. And, they don’t realize or believe that if they return those efforts, the original feelings will usually follow right along.

Many people doubt this, but I’ve seen the same series of events happen time and time again and I believe that most couples are pleasantly surprised if they are open minded or still hopeful enough to give it a try.

What do you really have to lose if you’re already living in the near worse case scenario?

The Efforts And Behaviors That Will Usually Bring Back Loving Feelings: Sometimes, when people think about making this type of effort in their troubled marriage, they’re met with resistance or a blank stare. Couples get into habits and ruts that are hard to break. Things have continued on this way for so long that it’s very hard to remember when things weren’t this way. But, most people have to eventually admit that, once upon a time, things were very different.

Usually their early married life looked much different than it does today, In fact, very few people tell me that they didn’t adore their spouse in the beginning. The couples will often tell you that they had chemistry and passion.

But, what they also had were the behaviors that encouraged this. They and they alone were the center of each other’s world. They put a lot of time and effort into the relationship when it was shiny and new. They found ways to show their affection and likely never wanted to be apart.

Many people understand this on some level, until the “buts” start coming out: Examples are things like: “but we have children now.” “But our lives are hectic.” “But we’re middle aged people who aren’t going to act as if we’re newlyweds.”

I understand these things and I don’t expect for you to act exactly as you did then.

But, it’s not unrealistic or too much to ask to begin to place your focus on your behaviors and on making real change. It’s so important to break the habits or the ruts that you’ve gotten into. Admittedly, it takes work, a conscious effort, and a lot of repetition and positive payoffs to make this “stick.”

It’s not always easy, but most of the time, if you keep moving forward, you will begin to see improvements that build onto each other so that eventually, you realize that you hadn’t fallen out of love at all. You realize that what has happened was that you were neglecting those intimate and loving gestures that nurture and bring out those feelings of loving one another.

You Deserve To Feel Loved In Your Marriage Even If You Have To Take The Initiative: Yes, someone is going to have to make the first move. But, isn’t it worth the risk? You deserve to feel loved and to express love. Just take small steps. Tell yourself that just for today, you will carve out some simple, uninterrupted time with your spouse.

You don’t have to have long and difficult discussions about your problems. In fact, you shouldn’t. Just try to do something simple together like taking a walk while holding hands. Really listen to your spouse and respond in the way that you would want him or her to respond to you. Because at the end of the day, most people want and expect the same thing out of their marriage.

They want to share. They want to feel valued and heard. And they want to feel and express love. The equation really isn’t that hard, but it does take maintenance. Now is the time to restart that maintenance because you deserve the feelings that almost always follow it.