Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who have fallen into a very destructive pattern. Their communication begins to consist primarily of fighting. They lose their ability to communicate in a constructive way that is meant to bring about a resolution. So, when the fights invariably come, the only way the couples knows how to resolve it is for someone to go storming out. Once this pattern takes hold, the next step may be someone saying or threatening that they want a divorce.

The great irony of this is that often times, neither of the spouses want to divorce. But they just can’t seem to find their way out of what has now become a destructive habit. I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I fight on an almost daily basis about money. My husband made an investment that risked our savings. I was aware that he had invested, but I was not aware of how much money he had put at risk. I would not have wanted him to invest as much as he did, but he did not make this information available to me. Needless to say, he lost the money. As a result, finances are a real issue for us. I have had to take on additional shifts at work and money is always extremely tight. It is almost as if there is nothing to look forward to anymore. It is just a miserable existence where we can barely pay our bills. I worry that we will lose our house. The stress from all of this causes us to fight. And the fights have gotten so bad that my husband always ends up storming out. He stays away for days at a time. Then he comes home later saying that he wants a divorce. If I being completely honest, I have to admit that I do not want a divorce. I really don’t. But I also don’t think that I can live this way anymore. It is just turmoil all of the time. Sometimes, when my husband comes back and starts talking about a divorce again, I am tempted to tell him to be my guest and to go right ahead. Because I’m sick of him leaving all of the time. I hate this roller coaster ride. But I don’t want to give up on my marriage. At the same time, I don’t know how to change this.”

Understanding How The Habit Is Formed: It’s not uncommon for couples to get stuck in destructive ruts like this. It can almost become a habit which is very difficult to dig your way out of. I would suggest trying to agree on an intention to break the routine before you are in the heat of the argument. Because what happens is this. Once you both begin to raise your voices, tense up, and get caught up in the moment, then no one is thinking rationally. That adrenaline takes over and you just resort to habits and fall back on what is easiest at the time.

Short Circuiting The Pattern:  I would suggest addressing this before anyone is angry and before things get out of control. You might try something like: “I want to address something with you while we have an opportunity to do so. I am glad that you are here now but I always live in fear that with the next fight, you are going to walk out again and then before we know it, we will be talking about a divorce again. I don’t want that and I hope that you don’t want that either. I think that we are resorting back to very had habits and I want us to stop that cycle. I know that we have a lot of stress because of our finances, and, because of this, we may argue at times. But, when this happens, I want for us to stop and take a break. Maybe we could go to different areas of the house for half an hour and then regroup. Maybe we could only discuss money issues at counseling so that someone can help us to work through this. I just don’t want us to continue on this way and to end up divorced. I know that we are dealing with a difficult situation, but we should be strengthening each other instead of tearing one another down. Will you help me do this?”

I can’t promise that one conversation is going to fix everything, but it is certainly a start. Then, if you do notice things getting out of control, make every attempt to break the path of destruction as it is happening. You might want to say: “remember what we discussed? We aren’t just going to walk out again” and see if you can get him to take a break before he walks out. Because if you can begin to pause after the fighting starts then you can slowly get to the place where no one is worried about a divorce. After that, then you can slowly begin to rebuild your marriage so that there is less fighting.

I wish that I had broken the cycle of the fights in my own marriage.  But I did not.  And before I knew it, my husband left and I was on the brink of divorce.  It was a very long, painful and difficult process to get him back.  But I eventually did.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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