Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: A common theme in many of the emails that I receive from wives is wanting advice about ways that they can get their husbands to love them with the same commitment and intensity that they used to share. Perhaps the spark has gone. Perhaps the husband has detached or checked out, or maybe, in some cases, a separation or break has already been discussed. No matter what the situation, there are some universal things to keep in mind when you are trying to return the affection and connection in your marriage. I will discuss these things in the following article, as well as tell you the mistakes that I most commonly see women make.

Can You Really “Make” Him Love You Again?: There’s a fundamental problem with the phrase “make someone love you” because it implies that you are going to force or trick them into something that they really don’t want to do. This sort of short-term victory is not what you need when you’re wanting to save a committed, long-term marriage. It’s far better to encourage them (with your actions) to experience loving feelings all on their own.

So, the tactics most likely to work are going to be open, honest, and positive actions that are meant to bring out the loving feelings that your husband has buried for now. I cannot tell you how many people I see make the mistake of participating in negative behaviors that only backfire and push their husbands further away. I fully understand (and have even experienced) the panic of feeling your husband slipping away. I know that it feels like you need an immediate and drastic solution. However, immediate solutions are often only short-term. And the behaviors that we often try in order to get them to see things our way (begging, engaging, debating, arguing, threatening, belittling, etc.) only paint us in a negative light and contribute to our husbands wanting to distance themselves that much more. It’s far better to be upfront because they are much more likely to willingly follow your lead rather than reluctantly “giving in,” making it much more likely that they are going to change their minds later.

Focus On The Positive, But The Genuine Reality: So many people make the mistake of using phrases like “let’s work on our marriage,” “let’s hash this out,” or even angry phrases like “why are you doing this to us?” What you need to understand is that any behavior or action that brings out negative connotations or feelings in your husband is only going to dig a deeper hole. With that said, husbands read through fake, manipulative behavior and game playing too, so don’t swing from one extreme to the other either. This will usually backfire as well. When a husband withdraws affection, distances himself, or even flat out says “he’s no longer in love,” all of these things point to negative connotations when he thinks about you or the marriage. You absolutely have to change this before you are able to do anything else.

So, starting today, I’d like you to analyze every interaction that you have with your husband. I’d like to take note of (and stop yourself from) any actions that are going to bring out negative emotions in either of you. Now, you don’t need to be fake about this. Not at all. Remember when you first fell in love with your husband? I’ll bet that you couldn’t do enough for him or give him enough attention and affection. That’s because these things rewarded you with a very positive response and actions that were similar to his. It’s very important that you are able to return to this place, even if it requires a leap of faith at first.

Make a list of the qualities that you used to love in your husband and those that he used to love in you. (I’m not necessarily talking about looks. I’m looking for things like honesty, a sense of humor, an open heart, and integrity. ) Ask yourself how much of each of these things you show to the other. The answer to this must change. You will likely have to first, but that’s OK. Your behavior is meant to bring out positive feelings in your husband so that he will return back to you.

Understanding What Brings Out Loving Feelings In Husbands: Many women don’t believe me when I say what I absolutely know to be true. Men are not all that different from us. Admittedly, they are sometimes not great communicators, and they can often close themselves off, but at the end of the day, they want what we all want in a marriage. They want to feel loved. They want to be valued. They want us to appreciate and recognize their efforts. They want us to make time for them. They want to feel close to and understood by us. So many men tell me that their wives put them last. They truly believe that they stand dead last in the line of your life, behind your children, or your extended family, behind your girlfriends, and behind your job. It’s very important that you show him that this just isn’t true. Make a sincere effort to recognize and respond to any of his concerns and frustrations in a positive way. (And be confident that your hard work will be rewarded by a return of his affection.)

Take full stock of the woman you were then and the one you are now. No, none of us can turn back time. But we can revisit those behaviors and actions that caused us to fall in love in the first place. This is often a women who deeply understands and cares deeply about the well being of her husband, one who understands what makes him feel positive about himself, and who makes the time to take these actions on a regular basis, knowing that he is going to return the positive way he is feeling back to you.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband’s love slipping away. Making things better took a 380-degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love. As a result, I am still married today.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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