Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives know exactly when their husband is moving out for a trial separation, and other wives are surprised when he does. But, in both scenarios, most of the wives are incredibly sad and overwhelmed. No one envisioned this detour in their marriage, and it can be very difficult to focus on anything but the fact that you are now in your house all alone. It is very easy to focus on what you’ve lost and what you might lose still in the future.

Wives often want to know how to best spend this day or cope when it feels as if the walls are closing in. Someone might say, “I knew this day was coming. My husband told me exactly when he was moving out. It wasn’t a surprise. I tried to prepare for it. I even helped him pack his things. However, when today came, it hit me hard. It is so quiet in this house right now. I can still hear the sound of his car driving away, and I contrast that with the silence I hear right now it makes me very sad. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have tried to read, but I can’t concentrate. I’ve read the same sentence multiple times and not comprehended any of it. I’ve considered calling someone, but I know I’ll sound pathetic. And I don’t need people to pity me. I want to call my husband, but I feel like it would be better for him to call me since he’s obviously busy moving in. I am counting the hours until I can go to bed and end this day, but then I realize that I’m going to have to sleep alone and that is also a horrible thought. How do I best cope right now?”

The answer to this question depends on your personality and your comfort level with the various options available to you, but I can offer some suggestions in the hopes that a few of them will ring true.

If Being At Home Is Too Painful, Give Yourself a Reprieve: I know wives who have stayed with family or best friends for a few days after the start of a separation so that they wouldn’t have to be alone.

I know others who have booked themselves a night or two at a favorite out-of-town spot for the same reason.

Still others have gone out to see a movie or have dinner with friends, only coming home well past bedtime to limit the amount of time they know that they will be alone on that first night.

For these folks, it is better to limit the amount of time that they spend alone, at least initially. I find that this is typically the case for extroverted folks who are open to lots of support or new environments, which certainly isn’t going to be the case for everyone, but can work well in the right situation.

If You Stay Home, Permit Yourself To Do Whatever Feels Best: Some people feel the need to just hole up and be by themselves to process their thoughts and experience whatever feelings that come without a witness. And there is nothing wrong with this, as long as you are not dwelling on the negative, and allowing your mind to go to the darkest places.

Many wives sleep on the couch watching TV that first night. Others practice self-help or soak in a hot bath to distract themselves. Others partake in escapist behaviors like reality TV or novels they wouldn’t normally read, and this is perfectly fine. It’s important to be gentle with yourself, with the idea that better days are ahead.

Don’t Expect That Things Will Only Deteriorate From Here: In my observation and own experience, it is much easier to cope if you vow that you’re not going to just accept that this is the beginning of the end. Plenty of couples eventually reconcile after a separation. Some will tell you that their marriage is much better as a result. Others don’t reconcile but admit that they are happier.

You don’t have to just expect that your life is about to get a major downgrade. You can make the best of the days ahead, and see the opportunity in them so that there is room for growth and improvement no matter what happens.

Move Heaven And Earth To Help Yourself And Spur Growth In Any Way That You Can: I was determined that some good was going to come out of my separation. I made a list of things that I wanted (and knew that I needed to do) on that very first night. And I eventually took some classes, went to counseling, and allowed myself to partake in things I had long put on the back burner of my life. You now have the time to do things that are going to help you become a better version of yourself and that is never a waste.

Some wives will go to counseling with their husbands. Others will go alone. Whatever you decide to do, choose to spend your time on the things that will help you to thrive, cope, and grow.

Never allow yourself to give into isolation, loneliness, and despair. Get out there, invest in yourself, and let in the people who still love you.

Speaking of love, try to maintain a good relationship with your spouse and agree on a regular schedule to check-in or touch base. Doing so will remove some of the uncertainty that can make your separation painful. Clarify expectations so that you don’t have to guess and can focus your attention on things that will actually yield dividends and improvements.

I know this first day may be rough, but it hopefully won’t always be like this. There can be enlightening changes and uplifting improvements that are just around the corner. And you’ll be in a better position to reach out and grab them if you keep your spirits up and focus on making this as easy on yourself as you can.

I don’t want to insinuate that it was smooth sailing for me.  It definitely wasn’t.  I almost blew it, but I eventually got myself together and we did reconcile.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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