Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When the last thing that you wanted was the separation in the first place, you are always trying to gage how your spouse might be feeling or what he might be wanting, at least in my own experience. In my own situation, I would even attempt to notice the smallest things that might tip me off as to whether or not the situation was improving. Because my ultimate goal was to detect that he missed me and might one day be open to a reconciliation.

You may already know this, but it’s often a little tricky to figure out how he might be feeling. You may want to just ask him, but the answer scares you. Or, you don’t want to make it appear that you are overstepping or pressuring him when the situation is already so fragile.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I am dying to know what my husband is feeling during our trial separation. He is the one who wanted to take some time apart. I miss him horribly. I find myself thinking about him multiple times during the day. I can’t get a read on how he might be feeling about me though. Some days, he seems almost loving. And other days, he seems distant and distracted. I might see him one day and I will go home and think that within a few months, we might be able to get back together. And then a few days later, his attitude might change and I will come home and wonder if I should start preparing my children for divorce. It’s just a roller coaster ride. I really want to ask him how he is feeling. I know that this might not be the best idea, but I can think about little else and I feel like if I just went ahead and asked him, I might feel a little more at peace. How do you say the words? What is the best way to ask him how he is feeling?”

I do know how frustrating this feels. I experienced the same thing. But I have to tell you that this wife’s hesitations about pushing him too far are exactly right. If you come across as pushing or as acting a little desperate, the situation can become worse and you may be left with bigger issues than wondering how your husband is feeling. So, I would suggest thinking about this and, if you are going to do it, try to do it in a very controlled manner.

Ideally, in time it will become obvious how he is feeling. As things improve between you, he should be more forthcoming with his affection and his emotions. I know that it is difficult to see him change his behaviors over and over again. I know that this frightens you and brings about doubt. But quite frankly, it is very likely that he isn’t exactly sure of his feelings and he might be feeling different things on different days. So, even if you were to ask him how he was feeling, you might get a different response on a different day, which might only confuse you more.

That’s why I would caution you about basing everything on his own feelings. Things do change and evolve during your separation. And, as a result, feelings can change. How he feels today may not be how he feels tomorrow. That is why, in my experience, the best thing that you can do is to try to remain positive and supportive. If you notice that your asking about his feelings makes him hesitate or appear uncomfortable, it’s best to stop and change the subject.

If you feel that you absolutely must ask him something to gage his feelings, I’d suggest trying to be more general. Instead of saying things like: “do you miss me and do you think you might come home soon?,” you might try something more general like. Here’s an example: “how are you doing right now? Are things going OK for you?” If he wants to share his feelings about you, the marriage or the separation, then you have left it wide open for him to do so.

But, if he doesn’t want to share or he doesn’t know how he is feeling, then this question is general enough so that he can just give you a very broad answer about life in general and it will still be fine. So, you are covered both ways, which I think is optimal.

I understand why you want to know. But in my experience, great care should be taken here. The fact that there are some days when he is acting loving should tell you that he feels receptive at least some of the time. It’s natural to see him act differently on different days. You just want to gradually see him be more receptive the more that time goes on. If you can set it up so that the two of you are smiling or being receptive most times when you meet, then you can assume that things are at least remaining stable. I know you’d like for him to proclaim that he misses you horribly and wants to come home right away. But if this is the case, he will often share this with you without your needing to ask and create additional risk and pressure.

I am telling you this because I made the mistake of pushing my husband about his feelings.  This only made him distance himself and it actually prolonged my separation. In a sense, I had to start all over.  But we did eventually save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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