Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving marriages that many believe are irretrievably broken. Sometimes, people write to me and ask how they can tell if their spouse is changing his mind about the divorce. They want to know if certain behaviors that they are starting to see are good signs or if they are just seeing what they want to see. In the following article, I’ll tell you what signs to look for that indicate that any reconciliation plan is working. However, if you’ve not seeing them, I’ll list some tips to nudge him along.

The Signs That Indicate He Just Might Be Changing His Mind:

Positive Emotions Or Strong Emotions: So how do you know any plan to change his mind about the divorce has been effective? You’ll start to see positive emotions. He’ll smile rather than frown when he looks at you. His body language will be more open and less closed off. You’ll start to see more intimate gestures like rubbing your arm, brushing the bangs out of your eyes, and “accidentally” brushing against you. He may ask you if you “remember the time you” (fill in the blank) to see if you can reignite some of the spark. In essence, he’ll be feeling you out, but he’s also inching in closer.

Many women ask me if their husband becomes crazy jealous or frustrated, does this mean that he still has strong feelings (and that this is a good thing?) Maybe, but I’d rather see a smile on his face than frustration. Jealousy and frustration are still negative emotions that he is associating with you and you really need to replace these with positive emotions. That said, any emotion is better than indifference.  Complete indifference is the worst sign.  I’d rather see anger than indifference any day.

What you really want is for him to start initiating contact and mutual experiences that you can share. So, if he begins to show interest, play along, but don’t give him a free pass or appear desperate or subservient.

Stalling In Various Ways: He may be spending less time with his attorney and friends and more time alone or with you.  In short, he’s not single-mindedly pursuing ending the marriage right away.  This doesn’t mean that it is not still in the back of his mind.  That doesn’t mean that he has called it off completely.  But it might mean that he’s not as enthusiastic about the divorce as he used to be.

Spending Money On You Or Doing Thoughtful, Caring Things:  You might see behaviors that you haven’t seen in a long time, like his offering to do thoughtful things that he knows would mean a great deal to you, like visiting your elderly grandmother, raking the leaves, or buying you a book by your favorite author.  These don’t necessarily need to be grand gestures.  They are just little things that tip you off that he wants to make you happy or brighten your day. A man who wants to divorce you right away isn’t nearly as likely to participate in these behaviors.

If you are seeing most of these behaviors, you may be able to stop making all of the concessions and doing all the work. Your best-case scenario is that you’re able to reignite his interest and then he begins to be the initiator because now the marriage is back on equal ground and you’re both equally committed to working things out.

If You’re Not Seeing These Signs, Do You Have The Right Plan To Change His Mind? If Not, Put That In Place Now: If you’re concerned that he might not be second-guessing, I’d like to go over some things that I’ve found to be very effective in turning things around. First off, it’s so important that you understand that whatever plan you’re using should not be eliciting negative emotions. Many spouses will make the mistake of trying to play “hardball,” or to “call his bluff.” This behavior only pushes your spouse further away.

I also see people go to the opposite extreme as they become almost subservient to their spouse – making desperate promises that things are going to be different, trying to engage their spouse or pushing their buttons, or playing the guilt or pity cards. All these things do is make you appear less than desirable and push your spouse to want to escape as soon as they possibly can. ( I made this mistake and it set me back.)

It’s far better to focus on the positive. Yes, I know that very little may seem positive right now, but it’s important to act “as if” the signs are ALREADY there. It’s important that your spouse knows that you respect his feelings and want him to be happy. Explain that you’d like to help him to achieve this – whether that includes you or not. It’s important that he feels validated and heard. And, even if you and I both know that you don’t agree with him at all, it’s important that you respect his right to his feelings. If he thinks you want to thwart him, he is much less likely to second guess anything. It’s also important that he knows that he is important enough to you that you’d like to preserve the relationship no matter where it is going.

Why are you making all of these concessions? Because, in a sense, you need to disarm him. If his defenses are up, he may be limiting his access. So, in order to change his mind, you need him to have an open mind and to allow you free access so that you can replace the negative feelings with positive ones.

It’s important that he sees you in a positive light right now. To do this, you need to make sure you’re displaying your best features and are conducting yourself with dignity and grace. And, you need to make sure that he sees that you respect yourself enough to continue to do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself. See friends. Make the best of things. Don’t sit around and mope. Make sure that they know that you too can take advantage of this break.

Many people ask me if they should try to make their spouses jealous or insinuate that they are seeing other people. I think the best tactic here is to let him know that you’re going out with girlfriends and let him speculate if guys will approach you, but I don’t think that you should ever let him think you’re seeing someone else. You want to display yourself as a woman who still loves her husband, but who is respecting his wishes and respecting herself as well.

How do I know all this? Because I have lived it, unfortunately.  I made many of the mistakes I cautioned against here, but I never saw or dated other people.  I was always clear on the fact that I still wanted my marriage, although I did have to change strategies. You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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