Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people (usually wives) who are trying to successfully navigate a trial separation.  Many go into the trial separation as a last resort in the hopes that this will save their marriage rather than hurt it.   I often have wives email me and ask me for some tips on handling the trial separation so that it makes saving your marriage more likely than a divorce or a continuous separation.  So, in the following article, I’m going to be offering some tips on the best way to handle a marital separation when you want it to ultimately save your marriage rather than to end it.

Understand That Time And Space Can Actually Be Beneficial To Your Marriage During The Separation: I completely understand fearing a separation.   The last thing I wanted when my own husband told me he needed “space” was to give in and agree to a separation.  But sometimes, it becomes obvious that your husband is going to accept no alternative and you realize that when you are looking at a separation or a divorce, the separation is the most preferable of the two.   And, if this is unavoidable, it can truly help to understand that, when done correctly, it doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage.  In fact, sometimes, it can actually help.  When played correctly, the time and space can actually be beneficial.  It allows your spouse to miss you and it allows some of the drama and the immediacy of the situation to fade.  Things calm down.  Things are put into perspective.  Anger fades.  People realize how much this void affects them and they hopefully eventually decide that it’s better to try to save the marriage than to just let the marriage go.

No Matter How Lonely, Scared, Or Panicked You Feel During The Separation, Don’t Allow This To Affect Your Interactions With Your Spouse: When you are separated, every interaction counts.  This is the time when you and your spouse are making life long decisions about how you want to move forward.  So, it’s very important that your spouse perceives you positively right now.  That’s why sometimes,  you’ll need to put your best foot forward and save any fear, loneliness, or panic for when you are alone.  But when you are interacting with your husband, it’s important that you show him the best, most upbeat parts of yourself.

I know that I’m asking a lot.  And this was particularly difficult for me during my own separation, but once I literally forced myself to do this, things were much better between us.  Think about it.  In general, people don’t respond well to negative emotions that elicit guilt or confused feelings.  So if you display these things, you are likely insuring that this process works against you rather than working for you.

I know that this sometimes requires a bit of acting, but, in the end, it’s definitely worth it.  Remember that husbands will usually respond positively to your positive behaviors.   It’s human nature to be drawn to people who make you feel good about yourself, and the situations in which you find yourself in.  If you can find a way to elicit positive rather than negative feelings during the separation, you’re likely going to find that you have an easier job in the end.

Navigating The Delicate Dance Between Making Him Miss You And Clinging Too Tightly: I encourage you to have contact with your spouse during the separation. I’d never advocate ignoring your spouse or pretending that you just don’t care.  But, with that said, you don’t want to go overboard and cling too tightly so that he feels that he needs to avoid you or even lie to you in order to get the space that he’s after.  Part of making yourself appear as attractive as possible is creating mystery.  And part of creating mystery is not being immediately available every second of every day. (I learned this the hard way but I eventually learned it.)

You want for your spouse to know that you respect yourself enough to stay busy, see your friends, and go about your day to day activities.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t have any time for your spouse.  In fact, I suggest trying to create a schedule or understanding as to regular times to get together.  But, you also don’t want your spouse to think that you’re going to jump every time that they call or make contact.  If you do, you devalue your currency with them. Once I understood how important it was the create this mystery, saving my marriage became a possibility.

Don’t Feel Like You Have To Solve All Of Your Problems During Your Separation.  In Fact, You Really Shouldn’t Place Too Much Focus On Your Problems: Many couples automatically assume that if they can’t work out their problems while they are separated, then they won’t be able to get back together.  But, if you focus on your problems so much that this separates you even further or makes things worse, then you aren’t helping your cause any.  And when you hyper-focus on your problems, you almost give them more power.

I’m not saying that you should ignore real problems.  But sometimes, it’s better to wait until you’re back on solid ground before you try to work through the very difficult issues.  It’s always better to reestablish the bond and get back on solid ground before you try to tackle the really difficult stuff.  You want your spouse to associate you with positive things right now.  But if they associate you with having to “work out” difficult or painful issues, then they might start to avoid you more or to subconsciously develop negative perceptions about you and this isn’t likely to help you much during the separation.

Instead, you want for them to have positive perceptions about you so that when they think of you, they question or want to shorten the separation rather than wanting to lengthen it or make it more permanent.  I can’t stress this enough.  It took me entirely too long to understand these principles, but once I did, this changed everything and helped me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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